Working Mother's Guilt

I have to work tomorrow.

Wow, its weird saying those words. The past year of my life spent technically ‘unemployed’ was still the hardest working year of my life. Cleaning toilets at the church on Thursdays barely counts as working. I work harder than that on a daily basis changing babies’ diapers. Other people’s shit in the toilet is nothing for me. I actually look forward to the calm of the place as I clean the quietness in the sanctuary, the solidarity and sweat.

Tomorrow ushers in a new phase. I’ve been fighting it long enough. Change of any kind is cause for resistance to a Taurus, I believe. Boot Camp is over for me and I’m going back to work. Nights at the new Kohl’s up the street designing displays and styling mannequins. Sounds like fun to me! Time away from home being productive, interaction with others over the age of 3, a little money in the bank. (Emphasis on little, I’ve never worked for such a measly amount in my life, but the discount alone will probably be worth it as much as I shop at Kohl’s.) And access to HEALTHCARE.

What more can I say? I have to work tomorrow!

I was feeling all positive and excited, kind of like back to school jitters where you are excited to see all your friends, but know work is involved. I was packing the kids lunch for Parents Out, planning what I was going to wear in my head, and next thing you know I’m on the phone to the pediatrician on call discussing whether I needed to take my son to the emergency room because his diaper rash from the water park was suddenly swelling to unseen proportions all around his groin area.

Panic over calling in on my 1st day, mind racing over how to rearrange everyone else’s work schedule to take him to the doctor in the morning, the pull to just want to stay at home with his pull-up off all day and cuddle on the couch with a pallet of towels and his 2 (almost 3) year old naked butt all day like Mommy’s are supposed to do!

Working Mother’s Guilt already!? I haven’t even started and now I’m questioning my decision. This sucks. Who needs to work to buy more things? Why can’t we all just live on the prairie and be self sustained like the good old days where family was all you had and all that mattered?

OK, so I’ve been watching too much Hallmark movies on TV. I definitely need to get out of this house. Here’s to the real world where we have to work and leave our children and be thankful and tortured by it at the same time.