Survived the 1st round of weddings this summer. Every thing's different when you have kids, why do I keep forgetting that? Like I am ever going to have real fun again, until they're what, like 18 YEARS old? Never?

People who have older kids forget how hard the newborn/baby years are. Everything is about where can I change this diaper, what can they eat off this buffet table, hope that drunk lady with her shoes off doesn't trample my kid! Mommy doesn't get to socialize, eat, or drink. I thought my days of being sober at wedding receptions were over after I wasn't pregnant anymore. I swear it was like everyone I knew decided to get married while I was pregnant and have open bars. It sucked.

Now the only thing better is I have a few more cute ass accessories to tote around on my hip. I mean really with these two by my side, how can I not be happy anywhere I go no matter how stressful it is?








We are a handsome family.









In a few years they will all be more manageable and can run wild on their own a little more while I sit back from a distance and discuss details of my family member's life I want to know about but never have the chance to ask these days. I'm too busy sweating my make-up away and switching out 1 year olds.

Then I am reminded why I even attempt adventures outside my home. The anxiety of taking my three ring circus on the road subsides for a seconds when Black Eyed Peas 'Good Night' comes on and my girls twirl in circles on the dance floor as Bryce modestly busts few of his break dancing moves under the disco lights. For that fleeting moment, all is right in the world.

I will use this memory to replace the military TAPS melody still echoing in my head from the tribute to fallen soldiers played as I watched my 21 year old cousin hang his head in the silhouette of his Bride and morbidly wondered what everyone else in the room was thinking right then.

I don't consider myself a 'crier' and yet I break down at the oddest times. My buddies at Bootcamp must think I'm nutty. I've had a few public crying sessions there and more than a few private ones. I busted out crying at my first weigh in after Phase I Bootcamp when I lost 22.2 lbs, and it wasn't like a celebratory cry it was a sad sob.

What's weird is I don't cry at normal times, like when I couldn't cry at my uncle's funeral last summer when my entire family around me bawled like babies on one of the saddest days in our history. I never cry when asked about my Rest in Peace tattoo and I tell them the tragic story behind it. I answer monotone, like I'm not effected at all by something that moved me to permanently memorialize my body in honor of someone I lost at 15.

It still felt good to be at the Bonus Bootcamp class on our off week, soaked in sweat under the evening light versus comfort of darkness for my 5:30 am sessions. Always reminds me of last year when I first began my journey. I feel like a different person now, not just physically but there are more experience under my belt and I am more knowing in the ways of the world. At least more expertised in the ways of my world and how to make it run smoother. Those newborn days were rough! I never slept!

Now I just suffer my allergies and go on. I cry because I can't breathe, my sinuses are all jacked up, my blood pressure is racing and we're just in warm ups! I want to perform. I want to find that Happy Place where my blood is pumping oxygen too all the tiny crevices of my body that crave it and air reaches the depths of my diaphragm and the mucus in my lungs is not impeding my air flow. I've been getting dizzy lately, all the time, not just when I'm exercising. I am annoyed at my show of weakness, which makes me cry more.

But I know what's really going on. There's a pattern here. I remember crying on the soles of my blood stained shoes last summer when I was in the midst of fighting my son's bone infection. After yet another summer day spent at Kosair Hospital watching botched IV's of contrast for yet another MRI spill my baby's blood all over the table and floor, I found solace in my evening workout even if it meant mixing droplet of tears and rivers of sweat with that blood on my feet. I could cry then, let my shield down for 30-45 minutes as I pushed my body to hurt as much as I did inside. It was a soothing alternative for the pain.

I've found the soothing soreness of an after work out recovery is an effective alternative to suffering from pain of all kinds.

I knew what I was upset about today even more than my physical setbacks at the moment. All I could think about on my ride there was Alyssa's follow up tests at Kosair for her annual check up on her kidney condition schedule earlier that afternoon. Even though she's fine, I know she's fine and I am just so thankful for that, the thought of holding her down again while she's in pain while they perform uncomfortable and painful procedures on her sucks.

I finally make my way through the workout without passing out. My hair is wet as if I got out of the shower. I can control my tears again. I sit a while and listen to the newbies ask questions and I want to be encouraging and tell them go read my blog for inspiration, but all I can do is sit there today.

I made it.