Tommorow I Lift...

Cancer sucks.

Tomorrow I will be lifting in a fundraiser WOD called “Grace” (30 clean & jerks) in honor of all the people who have been changed by the effects cancer and loss. Tomorrow, 30 times as fast as I can, I will lift a 32 lb barbell with 10 lbs on each side from the ground to chest level then push the weight at a rapid pace up over my head and land in a very strong, victorious stance, all for the ones we loved and lost.

October gets a lot of attention as the official Breast Cancer Awareness month, but in many families everyday is a reminder of the pain and devastation cancer reeks on their life and hearts.

Cancer sucks. Cancer defies sense. It rearranges what we perceive as should be the natural order of things by ruthlessly robbing family and friends of their future time together. It randomly reduces years we will have here to dreams of what once might have been. It just plain isn’t fair. Cancer and disease suck.

Tomorrow I will be lifting in honor of one Aunt who just completed her last round of radiation treatment for breast cancer and is finally feeling better. She is cancer free and her hair is growing back. She is beautiful and as strong as ever.

My other Aunt is 7+ years going on cancer free after a rare, aggressive type of breast cancer resulted in the removal of both her breasts and a long, painful fight for life. You’d never know by seeing her attitude and spunk for like the battle she went through, or the fact she lost her husband just two years ago to brain cancer.

Bootcamp helped me deal with the pain of his loss, my Uncle Garry, who was diagnosed and gone in less than a year. I remember many sadder than words can describe incidents around the time of his passing where I’d leave his house or hear a heartbreaking story and cry all the way to Mt. Washington. Then I’d sweat my sorrow away for 45 minutes, kicking my own ass into shape at an outdoor summer Bootcamp. I remember cussing cancer many times in my head as I pounded a medicine ball into the ground, or lifted my knees higher, of pushed harder in honor of them, all the ones before me who didn’t make it to the next family vacation.

My best friend still cannot celebrate a birthday, holiday or special moment without becoming sad because her father died of bladder cancer when we were 23. Around the same time my grandmother was basically dying from Alzheimer’s. I dealt with that trauma in a less productive way, partying my way through the pain. At this point in my life I simply wasn’t eating and weight has a way of magically disappearing when you ingest more calories a day in alcohol than food. Partner that diet with a regimen of many hours night after night shaking your ass in the club and you’ve got a very sad, sick girl.

My first major cancer loss happened when I was 15 and my Papa died from prostate cancer. That era is still one of the most painful periods of my life, watching someone you couldn’t imagine living without, die a slow, painful death. My Grandfather never saw me wear a prom dress, get married, have children, be really happy or drive the Ford red Ranger I bought from him. He never lived to see me turn 16. I dealt with his loss by consuming lots of Oreo’s, fried food and young drug experimentation. In any combination of the a fore mentioned vices, anything to escape a reality too painful to face.

I miss my grandparents terribly to this day.

My own Dad discovered he had Stage II Melanoma when I was a senior in high school and he was fine after a surgery, so our worry over him was blessedly short lived but it was still once of the most scared I have ever been in my life.

My heart breaks still for my good friend who misses mother’s presence at her wedding dress fittings. She passed away from Breast Cancer way too young. My other good friend’s family has been battling their mother’s colon and liver cancer for two years, holding on to hope they can squeeze out a little more time. Our 1999 class Valedictorian and voted ‘Most Likely to Succeed’ left this world at 20 years old from a redcurrant kind of Leukemia that came back and took the life of a brilliant, beautiful young woman. My favorite teacher, mentor and friend fought and won her own battle with breast cancer.

So not fair. None of it. Cancer and death suck.

It makes me want to cry as I recount all these painful emotions, but I am proud now to funnel those feelings of sadness and loss into action. All the listed above instances and experiences fuel my passion for fitness and overall improved health. I am passionate about my Paleo recipes and excessive exercising because I believe I am improving mine and my family’s odds at survival!

I want to be around when my children grow up and have children. I want to be active and mobile. I want to be pain and disease FREE! I want to give my kids the best shot available at being healthy. I want to feed them and myself food that is natural and avoid as many man made mystery foods filled with fake nutrition and dyes and chemicals as possible.

Many times in my life I have not taken the best care of my body or listened to a thing it was trying to tell me. In most cases it was too late before I was forced address a health related problem and ended up suffering more because of it!

Often I have felt doomed by my genetic make-up. I thought maybe my mix of DNA meant inevitable destruction by disease. Cancer, Alzheimer’s, diabetes, obesity, blood disorders, heart disease, you name it, we got it in my family, on either side.

Heart disease, that’s a good one. My Dad’s father died when I was 8 years old from a heart attack he suffered on the beach while we were on vacation in St. Petersburg, FL. I watched them perform CPR on his body lying on the beach in his Bermuda shorts. That shit sticks with you and I am so happy and overjoyed to come to this point in my life where I have not just given in to my fate, but realized I am the one largely responsible for maintaining control of it and influencing the final outcome!

We are all going to die. I know that is the inevitable part. But what I do with the time I have here is what matters most. Not wasting time fearing what may or may not unfold or succumbing to a blanket fear of the worst. There are things I can do right now, here today, to favor my own survival. Like eat cleaner and move my body more! How amazing to take that control!

I am not lulled into believing a fantasy that if I do _____, _______, and ______ I will live a long, healthy life free from pain or illness. Eat right, exercise, die anyways, right? You hear the stories all the time about the health nut that falls over dead from a heart attack. I know we are really not in charge and the randomness of death happens in an instant. The month after my grandfather died when I was a sophomore in high school I said goodbye to my good friend Angie and watched as she got in a car that drove away into her untimely death. I will never forget the fragility of life because of her.

She was a great athlete and often when I am totally sucking at a workout and I want to give up or God forbid quit, I think of her. She has been with me at every physically enduring event in my life from the tattoo of her name on my leg to the birth of my children. I embrace the suffering and suck it up, because whatever pain I am in means I am still alive. I sacrifice my pain, push harder, run faster, laugh harder, for her.

I do it for all who can’t because they are no longer on this earth. I do it for the ones who can’t because they are physically weak from fighting some disease, so they can stay around a little longer to be with the ones they love.

I fight because I can. Because I am still here and able to move, jump, pull up.

Tomorrow I lift.

Today, I live.

Fight or Flight….

FIGHT!

I felt like the last kid at school to get picked for the dodge ball team. The Saturday morning Seneca Park Partner WOD included a ‘Farmer’s Carry’ where you pick up your partner and run 360 meters transporting their weight on your shoulders or back. Nobody wanted to lift my ass on their shoulders and I worried that someone strong enough to do it definitely wasn’t going on my back!

Thankfully Coach Sean spotted my dilemma and instructed me to carry two weights the prescribed distance with the visiting Coach Kellie as my partner. Lucky me, some people are scared to have a coach as a partner, but I saw her demonstrations of the backwards overhead medicine ball squat/throw and we kicked ass as a team! Our 100 sit-ups as the closer was completed with a 20lb medicine ball even the guys weren’t using, so take that!

Point is this is yet another reason I love the sport of CrossFit. I wonder if other athletes on game day feel the same way I do headed into a WOD. It usually follows the same pattern of anxiety followed by hard work then triumph.

On the way to the gym and in the moments before a WOD begins, especially if I allow myself too much time to think about or examine what I am about to do, my stomach is tight and sometime nauseas. I am nervous. Usually about the time the Coach is explaining the movements that little voice tries to pipe up in the back of my mind.

“You can’t do this….”

“What the hell are you thinking!?”

“Just quit now!”

But there is no quitting in CrossFit, so I shut that doubtful drone down and get to work.

By the end of my workout, no matter how hard I struggled or how far behind in time or rounds I come in on the board, I DID IT. I succeed. I love CrossFit all the more because everyday I give myself the chance to overcome self doubt. Face fears and WIN. The confidence that builds cannot be bought in a store, book, online or with any other method of weight loss in my opinion.

Everyday at some point during my workout, usually before I even begin, I want to quit. But I don’t. I fight my instinct to run and I try. I forge ahead even though sometimes I still feel defeated by my numbers on the stupid scale or a food slip up over the weekend. I attempt weight I’ve never lifted before, I strive to beat my previous time, and I push myself to finish before the person ahead of me.

I fight and everyday I win.

The Grass Only LOOKS Greener....

I was a complete bitch over missing CrossFit tonight.

At 6:16pm, when my husband stated his location as ‘crossing over Eastern Parkway on my way home’, it became obvious I wasn’t going to make it to 7:00 Hybrid CrossFit class. The hands on the clock passed the point of no return and I basically bitched him out over sink full of sudsy dishes, balancing the cell phone between my shoulder and ear not really caring at the moment if it fell in the water or not. I wasn’t going to get in my daily release of pent up aggression and anger, so now what the hell was I going to do with myself!?

It wasn’t really his fault, the man whose day began at 3:30am and included a 7:00 am WOD followed by a full day of cleaning other people’s crap out of their carpets. Somebody has to work to pay the bills around here and the amount of work I do slaving over household duties doesn’t put a paycheck in the bank. I remind myself to be thankful for enough work to sustain our existence. Its not easy running a 5 person family on the income of 1, but we sacrifice because our babies are only little once and this is such an important time for us to be blessed with their constant presence, regardless how much that constant presence drives us crazy.

But I was PISSED not to get my workout in. All day I mentally prepared for an ass kicking that was not coming, so now what’s a girl to do? It may not sound that serious to some, but perhaps fellow CrossFitters understand the need to sweat, the desire to positively redirect daily anger and pain into a WOD.

Plus there’s always the feeling of missing out on something. At 7:15, I imagine what my friends are doing. The warm up is over; they are starting in on their first skill set practice… Magic happens at a CrossFit ‘gym’ and who doesn’t want to be where the magic happens?

I understand the human tendency to always want what we can’t or don’t have. Lusting after an image in our head of how we perceive things to be for others. My single friends with no husband or kids sometimes seem to have it all. They can go workout twice a day or hop on their bike and ride up to the gym just to stretch and roll out whenever they want. I envy their freedom, ability to do whatever the hell they want, when they want. It seems as if my life has never been that way. I have never been alone.

And yet I also have friends with the same afore mentioned freedom that would trade sleeping in and nights out on the town for a hectic family schedule like mine. The grass is always greener….

Hell has been described as wanting to be any place other than where you are at the moment. I remind myself of this and take in deep breaths of the cool Kentucky late September evening air.

What is so wrong with exactly where you are right now?

Fresh aromas of homemade chicken stock fill my nostrils. I listen. I calm my thoughts and feelings. So what I don’t get to work out today? I am exactly where I need to be at this moment and fighting that will only lead to misery.

My children’s squeals, screams, and laughter filter in through the open kitchen window. I turn off the drone of the evening news in the living room and even though I wasn’t paying much attention, I would much rather focus on the sounds of what I love most vs. the infiltration of horror stories seeping into my subconscious.

I watch them out the window while I chop... therapy at its cheapest. They aimlessly chase each other, run in circles around our backyard, tackle, tickle, hug, push, play. I always smile inadvertently no matter how angry or upset I am when I see or think of them.
What a wonderful life we all have when you take the time to appreciate it, as is.

Dropping 110lb weighted bar on my head wasn’t near the worst or most painful thing that happened to me yesterday.

Some days my stress level is so high, losing myself in an hour of CrossFit is the only RX to bring me back to normal again. Better than normal. My need for sweat and total emotional annihilation via completing a kick ass WOD is beyond obsession. The word ‘addiction’ has too many negative connotations attached to. Some days I just simply need it, hence the complete bitch behavior the following day when I was forced to miss my workout due to childcare switch off issues.

Pushing myself so hard physically is rewarding because of how great I feel after completing what I wasn’t sure I could do in the first place.

The board looked like this upon walking into DCCF…

Tuesday 9/27/11
September 26, 2011
WODPush Jerk – 3, 3, 3, 1, 1, 1+Max Rep Pullups x 4+15min AMRAP6 Shoulder to Overhead12 Turkish Situp12 One Leg Squat
I needed that workout.

My day had already consisted of rising at 5:00am, not to workout (which is how I would prefer my day to begin if I am up that early) but to take my daughter in for outpatient surgery on her ears. It’s been a long 6 weeks for Carly & I, battling an ear infection that wouldn’t go away no matter how aggressive our treatment. Thank you, MRSA. Look that shit up on the internet and you’ll feel like funeral planning is in your future.

A staph infection resistant to antibiotics is scary stuff, especially when the infection has decided to take up residence in your 2 year old’s ear. No fun for anyone involved. I just wanted my daughter back to her normal self, a full night’s sleep for both of us, for her to be better and 100% infection free. Hence the surgical removal of her ear tubes. Apparently the nasty MRSA likes to set up shop around foreign objects in the body, such as the plastic the tubes are made out of. Sigh.

Time to sweat out my fears and frustrations.

I like the push jerk. Ever since nailing the overhead squat over the weekend (just days before I couldn’t even get the BAR, and there I was Saturday adding weight and banging them out in good form!) I was itching to throw some heavy iron over my head. My confidence was up. I knew I was capable of more than I had given myself credit for and I was ready to raise the bar. Literally and figuratively.

I progressed each set by adding more and more weight each time. By my last set I was up to 50lbs + a 32lb women’s bar. 82lbs I was dip-drive-dipping over my head.

Awesome. It felt great.

So as I’m racking my weights, I notice the lady in front of me is adding two more 10’s.

“I’m going to try that when you’re finished,” I tell her.

I’ve seen her around the 3:45 class before and I remember a Death by Row day where I tried to keep her pace even though she’s way taller and has longer arms than me. I always try to pick someone out of each class to keep up with. Even if I don’t ‘beat’ them, it gives me and extra motivation to keep a kick ass pace. And if I do beat their time or weight, well hot damn, I feel like a real bad ass that day!

“You know this is a man bar, right?” She replies, smirking with doubt.

This means the weight has jumped over 30lbs compared to the weight on my final rep and that last one didn’t go up easily.

“I only gotta do it once!” Is my reply.

She attempts her final rep and doesn’t make it up. I am a little nervous at this point, but what the hell? I’ve already verbally committed myself, I wasn’t going to back down from the challenge not.

It’s only once, right?

I step up to the bar and can tell a difference, but at this point I still think I can do it.

I dip, drive…..

BAM!

Before I even know what happened, there is a pain in my head and I realize the bar didn’t make it over my head, but actually ended up on my head! I didn’t drop the bar but recovered enough to rack 'em.

I was more embarrassed than anything. At least Coach Ryan didn’t laugh out loud as I’ve seen him do before. He mainly just looked a little concerned. I’ve seen the very same thing, and worse, happen to other people, but I never knew how quickly or easily accidents in the gym could happen.

All I could think about was my son’s three Frankenstein stitches to the forehead. He fell out of bed last week resulting with a gash on his beautiful face, all in the middle of dealing with Carly hospital drama and trips to the infectious disease doctor. Nobody wants to make a trip to that doctor’s office, trust me. Scary place.

We went on with the WOD and halfway through I changed position because the glare of the sun off the front glass was making me dizzy. I finished and lay on the floor, almost complaining that the WOD made me dizzy, before I remembered the 100+ pounds to the dome was probably the culprit.

Lessons learned: There is a difference between confidence and cockiness. Also, get the hell out of the way when you attempt and fail a heavy lift!!!

To avoid eating the scraps of food off my kid's plates (OR THE FLOOR!!!) while cleaning up, I began to tell myself, "You are NOT a garbage disposal."

Working for the Presbyterian Hunger Program for so many years raised my awarness of many issues, including the lack of food for so many around the world. I mean, people are dying from malnutrition and starvation, so I always thought of this when throwing food away. It was almost painful to waste food. So, usually, I just ate it. Even if I really didn't want it or like it.

Then I read "Women, Food & God" by Geneen Roth and my relationship with food changed forever. I became free from the constant battle raging inside for the majority of my life. One of the lessons I benefited from learning was the theory that food will be converted to waste whether it goes into your body or the trash.

Throw that shit away. Don't reward yourself with food. You (and your body) deserve better.

What crazy things have YOU done to lose weight?

Try something REALLY revolutional....

The Student Becomes the Teacher....

I love it when you've rounded a corner and didn't even know it, a sudden shift in the tide so subtle you don't even notice a change until its already taken place.

A fresh crop of CrossFitters have infiltrated class, unfamiliar faces unsure and asking for advice.... from me.

ME, just another rookie, but not as much of a newbie compared to them. Its HILARIOUS to me others are suddenly asking ME for advice and looking at me like I'm a beast on the barbells. How funny because I still feel like 'the new girl'.

"Don't watch me!" I want to say sometimes. "I still don't know what the hell I'm doing!"

But I realize that's not true because I do. Almost 4 months of CrossFit has ingrained some muscle memory that was never there before. In a class if a coach asks if someone can demonstrate certain movements, I can. When stepping up to the 100lb+ stone balls in the back I don't hesitate to give it a try because I know I can lift it. I've done it before!

Only once before, but to a scared shitless first-timer, I resemble an old pro. AWESOME.

Wearing High Heels is Like Working Out....

It may hurt, but DAMN your legs, butt, & posture look so much better! :)

Embrace the pain.

CrossFit Cheerleaders

Today I heard the loudest cheers yet at Derby City CrossFit, so distracting and attention demanding a few of the other coaches who were lifting some serious shit on the other side of the wall stuck their heads around a corner to see what the commotion was all about.

One of the awesome things about CrossFit you hear so much about is the community of it all. When the most elite of the athletes forging to be elite finish, they often cheer on the ones who are struggling or bringing up the rear. Countless articles, videos, and testimonials are out there hyping the whole 'CrossFit Community' thing.

I'm often not always the slowest one in the class anymore, but today I was the final one on the floor as the others recovered. I didn't feel I was, per se, struggling to finish the WOD that didn't look too bad on the board....

WOD

Push Press – 80% of Press – 6 x 2
+
10 Power Cleans
10 Box Jumps
10 Power Cleans
20 Box Jumps
10 Power Cleans
30 Box Jumps
10 Power Cleans
40 Box Jumps

.....until about the time I got to the 30 Box Jumps set.

Often it’s the workouts that don't look hard or intimidating that are the worst.
I felt good about myself considering it was only about a year ago I overcame my fear of jumping over or onto anything and began hopping up on a box for fun. Even more badass is the 'small' box I jump on now is even bigger than the one I was used to practicing on. AND, not to compare but sometimes its hard not to, there were others in the class who weren't jumping at all, simply stepping up on the box one leg at a time, which I did for a long time when I first started out and would definitely still do if I moved the box up a size.

So here I am, working on my form and focusing on landing in the middle of the box. Trying not to stomp my feet so loudly when I land by pretending I am an Indian sneaking around in the woods with a light step. (I know, my mental visualizations are silly sometimes but whatever it takes to make it through, right?)

My newest improvement comes from some instructional advice from Coach Sean who tells me to stand all the way up at the top when I land. Every time I land now I think 'Erect!' and it already improves my form and feels better immediately to take the time straighten out my hunched over physique before hopping back down and powering through the set.

Someone before class announced we would be doing 100 box jumps and DAMN that's an intimidating number to have stuck in my head! So I just go one at a time, mentally envisioning the complete, correct motion a split second before I command my body to move and I plug away at each set.

Mainly during any box jump I am just trying to keep a positive, clear focused mind. Not let a fearful thought creep in to be planted of busting my shin and disrupt my flow with any seeds of doubt.

I got this and I know it.

Plus, I know my 3 year son is going to walk through that door any second with his Dad to pick me up, my special escorts of the day. I am wearing down from those damn Box Jumps and when I see them enter my smile alone is enough to send me sailing through to the end.

I wave them over and as he hesitantly looks around wide-eyed at the curious surroundings, as he works his way around the various bodies littering the floor. I see him eyeball the big dudes with the large weights.

"Mommy has 12 more to go, Buddy, come on help me count!"

He's into it now. I am fired up. The end is right there to be stomped into history, nothing but a page in my workout log.

There's no messing up now.

He is focused too, waving his arm down at his side with each count like a ref in a wrestling ring.

"1.......2......3......."

And that's when the real noise begins.

The other CrossFitters start clapping their hands and hollering. Bryce seems a little taken aback at the sudden commotion, but my smile turns into laughter and for a second it gets harder to land my jumps in the correct form I have been practicing. More smiles and applause permeate the room.

My husband is lingering off to the side, embarrassed probably at the sudden attention on us. He has our camera in hand and is attempting to catch this moment on film following my strict instructions that if they got there while I was still working out I wanted ACTION shots for my fitness scrapbook! (No, that book doesn't exist yet, but will one day and I need some real documentation besides my words of my transformation and growth!)

Everyone is still carrying on and I might have been a little embarrassed at all the attention myself if it had been focused squarely on me, but they are watching him. Encouraging him to 'Cheer Mommy on!' and 'Count for Mommy!'

"Two more Bryce!" I say to let him know the madness is almost over.

My heart swells and I pat his shoulder for assurance, just in case he is getting scared of all the people starring at him, wondering if they were crazy.

And maybe we are all a little crazy for what we put ourselves through on a regular basis in the name of fitness, but today I loved the sport of CrossFit more than ever.

And it wasn't because I finished a tougher than anticipated WOD.
It wasn't because I improved my Box Jump skills.
It wasn't even because I had people cheering me on till the end; it was because they were cheering him on, cheering me on.

“We fix pain…”

Today is my 3 month CrossFit anniversary and I completed my first full workout in 10 days. After 12 weeks of intense training, 4-6 classes a week, sometimes 2-a-day, my weeklong+ break didn’t come as a result of slacking off or burnout, but pain.

My biggest fear of hurting my back again had come true. And not even from a lift of the barbell or kettle bell swing. The odd angle of a catch-and-swing awkward motion as one of my kids jumped to me in the pool with reckless abandon off the deck put me out. Yep, with an if-y back stupid, simple wrong twist actions like that is enough to put you on your ass for a few days.

I made it to the gym a few days to foam roll, stretch and loosen up, but of course the anxiety and ‘depression’ over being hurt again set in. Pair an injury with the triple whammy timing of feeling like crap from a summer cold and cough with starting my period and yeah, I could have curled up with some ice cream and an ice pack and called it a day.

Sorry, guys but a woman’s menstrual cycle no matter what degree of crazy she is, wreaks havoc on our emotions sometimes. It’s called ‘hormones’ and unfortunately they are a real physical phenomenon that afflicts the best of us from time to time and fucks with our head and emotions. And let’s face it, men will never know or understand what its like physically or emotionally when you live a majority of your entire lifetime losing the lining of one of your organs every month. Fun times in Female Land, let me tell you.

A few things happened to pluck me from the downward spiral of hormonal, hurt, unhappy despair. When I was close to tears and feeling familiarly stuck on the couch counting the down the hours until I could take another Ibuprofen, I emailed Coach Ben a plea for a prescription to get past feeling sorry for myself.

Then Ben texted the magic words to put my pain into perspective.

“You’re not injured ... You’re hurt. Totally different.”

He was right! I just tweaked my back a little and if I let it rest without working out on it continually like before, kept it iced and loosened, I would be just fine.

With his next statement I was motivated to show my face at the gym.

“We fix pain...” He said.

Hell yeah.

Even if I couldn’t complete a warm up or WOD because at that point my pain level was preventing me from being able to bend without severe pain or lift my kids. That’s always the stab in the heart when they run to me with arms wide open and I can’t just scoop them up for hugs and kisses.

I lightly rowed as I watched my noon workout buddies bang out a Friday WOD. I longingly gazed at their action from the floor on the foam roller then iced down my lower back. I still felt better, physically and emotionally, when finished.

And when those damned hormones threatened to spill tears from my eyes as I talked to the 12:00 class coach (Come on, Leah get it together…. there’s no crying in CrossFit and especially in front of Coach Ryan!!!!) he offhandedly uttered the next inspirational phrase of the day…

“It’s not a big deal. Shit happens.”

Yes! So not a big deal. Shit happens!

CrossFit is the anecdote to pain, emotional or physical.

I walked out those doors and drove home smiling.

The Fountain of Energy

It's 5:30 on a wednesday evening and I am running circles around my three toddlers.

I am literally running and dancing cricles around them in the kitchen, radio blaring, burners boiling, oven emitting sweet and savory Paleo smells.

I. Am. Running. Circles. Around. THEM.

The energy harvested from my 5 am CrossFit workout is still burning 12 hours later. The old me would have probably been laying on the couch by now, too tired to cook a real meal or chase after any more children after a long, tiring day of motherhood.

The new me is still sweating, sashaying through evening chores with an abundance of energy. My kids can't keep up. I have found the fountain of youth...energy...everlasting heatlh.

Its called clean eating and CrossFit.

Goodmorning, WOD

Today was the first day I got to put my name up on the board.
I am happy everytime I make it through a Crossfit workout! Wish I had been doing this all along, but as my new motto says, 'every thing has prepared me for this', so let's forge ahead and never look back! There's only one direction to go from here, and its blue skies and reaching for rainbows for me!


Its only been a few weeks but I defintly feel stronger already and see a noticable change in my body. Some of the movements still feel akward or unnatural, but that's only because I haven't trained my body to easily execute them yet. Everyday is something new and I am enjoying the learning experience. In a life filled with mind numbing daily activities, dishes, diapers, laundry, lunches, cleaning, cleaning, more cleaning, training for the unknown and unexpecting is the added spontinaiety thats been missing from my life!



Each morning when I wake up I don't know what the WOD whiteboard has in store for me, but I walk in confident I will make it my bitch and even if it makes me its bitch, I am one step closer to being King of the World. Awesome feeling!

Reset Button

I've finally found my ‘Reset’ Button.

I've tried yoga, Zumba, pilates, Bootcamp, personal training, circuit training, meditation, and medication all in the name of relaxation. The elusive 'Happy Place' or state of Zen can now be accessed daily.

All worries and perceived problems are eradicated by my most effective reset button: Crossfit.

No matter what my mood is prior to walking through those doors, when I leave…. RESET. I am suddenly all smiles, sweat, and filled with a fresh outlook on my day. No matter how crappy my mood was before completing a WOD, when I leave I have accomplished something awesome and positive moving me one step closer each day to my dreams. Corny and cliché maybe, but I feel good. Better than good.

No matter how my day is going or what I’ve had to schedule or deal with logistics wise in order to just physically get there, when I am done with days work out, my mood for the remainder of the entire day has improved.

One of the reasons’s I like the 5:00am class is because I can awake first thing from my vast adventures in dreamland and in less than 1 hour my blood is pumping, my body is moving, bending, stretching, pushing closer to the desired range of motion our bodies were designed to move in. Nothing else exists or really matters in that moment but what you are doing right then. Everything else has been moved to the grey matter of the brain for 45min-1hr and by the time its over, you’ve sweated out whatever nagging subconscious issue had been bothering you before.

Brave people take the time out of their ridiculously hectic schedules to congregate in a common place to kick their own ass for one magic moment in time. Nobody really gives a fuck where you came from or how you got there, what matters is right now. I haven’t felt so alive in a long time, if ever.

I’m pushing my body past that invisible line separating me from my limitations. It suddenly doesn’t exist, or at least I love chipping away at it on a regular basis! So now that I’ve thrown myself over the edge of mental barriers and daily break personal records on just exactly what I can push my body to do, my natural inquisitiveness has triggered an internal investigation to see how much more I can do.

It’s not a matter of if. It’s a matter of how hard I train to get to the when (win?).

Most of the time I’m fine with this pace. Each day feeling and seeing right before my eyes improved strength, flexibility, and endurance. Sometimes I get frustrated by the pace of my progress, wanting so badly to just be able to do a WOD as prescribed and not modify, or hop up on the pull up bar without bands.

So I’m also learning the value of patience.

I’m not going anywhere, so I might as well squat low and enjoy the ride.

'Sweating' With the Enemy?

It's a stormy, cold morning in June, a dark contrast to the early summer heat wave previously opressing enjoyment of outdoor activites so early in the season. My stomach has butterflies. I dreamt of this last night. I can't help but to wonder what kind of omen the odd, forboding weather is today.

I sit in the parking lot staring at a big brick wall with a huge winking smiley face.

A smile and a wink.... that's gotta be some sign of encouregment, right?

("Or is it mocking you???" The bitch which resides inside my brain asks)

I know this is what I want to do and all my trials and tribulations over the past year- my whole life!- have lead to this point.

But the naysayer inside still has a tiny voice in the back of my mind.

"What are you doing here? Just go home."

The rain stops and I see the sun winking at me now somewhere behind the disappearing whispy rain clouds.

Its time to shut that bitch up!

I run inside and as my assment is set to start, the sky darkens again and the building rumbles with thunder.

"See, I told you so! Even Mother Nature knows you don't belong here. Crossfit is BRUTAL. You can't do this.... "

The voice mixes and multiplies with the others who doubt my abilities, who don't believe in me anymore.

But there's that word again..... CAN'T.

It evokes the fire in my belly. The fuel I need to forge ahead and fight for respect. I am tired of being underestimated, counted out.

Can't never could, but I can. I will. I already am.

I've stalled in the bathroom long enough. I move from the mirror to the dark, gray, slightly stifling tiny washroom with a window blocked by bars. I actually laugh and become slightly giddy when I see the final sign I need releasing me from my frozen moment of fear and doubt.

Right there, taped at eye level to the wall, printed out in black and white and faded teal ink just for me to see at this moment in time is my new motto.....

Time to do work, bitches. Watch this......

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Relationships evolve.

Sometimes in a way that facilitates growth, other times, change leaves once happy connections behind as a casualty of evolution.

Ending a relationship, whether it is with your boyfriend, best friend, family member, hairdresser, doctor, counselor, coach or trainer can be awkward when you leave having mostly fond feelings for the person left behind. When you will always have love and appreciation for the person themselves, it’s difficult to sever ties professionally or personally with someone you generally think positively of. There may be no other good reason for you leaving other than the time to move on having arrived in your life.

Everything may appear perfect in pictures or look appealing on paper, but inside one of the parties, a tide has shifted. It may have shifted slowly, a distant pang of progression quietly egging you to move on. Sometimes a sudden nasty disagreement can be the catalyist for change and the aftermath of shock and disappointment often knocks the unaware off their feet when one-sided unhappiness is revealed.

Classic 'It's not you, it’s me'.

But when the time for change has come, however the motivation to move on is delivered, take the opportunity to hop aboard a new adventure train and don’t look back with regret.

When you know in your heart it’s over, but hang on in the hope that things will go back to the way they used to be, you're inevitably setting yourself up for failure.

Nothing in life will ever be the way it used to be. Sticking around past the point of personal promotion undercuts the natural drive to succeed and will only lead to more unhappiness.

In more than one situation in my life recently, the question has arose how long is one indebted to the person who helped save them or drastically improved their quality of life? How long does a person stick around a less than ideal situation before allowing themselves to move on to the next phase and really be happy? Do you just continue a partnership or marriage because you feel loyalty to the person or union? Cling onto an extremely sincere feeling of gratitude to a previous feeling from a past situation that is now over and done?

What do you do when your present has surpassed the past?

Move onto to now.

Then is already over and when may never be.

A new motto has presented itself: 'Now is right on time.'

I saw this saying on the internet and though its painful and scary to move on, I’m not going to fret over wasted time or feelings of regret that I should have moved on sooner or done more to salvage a broken relationship. 　

"Your journey has molded you for your greater good, and it was exactly what it needs to be. Don't think that you've lost time. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. And now is right on time."

Amen, God Bless, and good riddance!

New era of growth, hope, and change here we come, right on time…..

Paleo is the way to go

I’ve mentioned many of the ‘diets’ I have tried both successfully and disastrously, inflicting varying degrees of damage on my body. I’ve tried diet pills that made my heart race.

Running…. a lot. Jogging til my knees hurt chasing that 'runner's high', desperate to burn off the box of donuts I demolished that morning.

Jenny Craig in the 7th grade. How embarrassing is that taking the labels off your pre-packaged chicken salad can so none of the others kids would know their taunting comments had actually penetrated my cool exterior and fed into my pre-teen insecurities?

Counting Points Weight Watcher’s style was great for me because I could strategically still work fast food and sweets into my menu on a fairly regular basis.

There was surgery, physically altering my body to reach a perceived place of happiness, not much emphasis on health.

There was the College just-don’t-eat-drink-a-lot-of-alcohol-requisite-shake-your-ass-on-the-bar-3-to-4-hours-a-night-diet that ended me back up in the hospital with out of whack potassium levels so severe I developed a heart murmur. Serious shit.

Up and down the scale, my clothes sizes and emotions went. When I was introduced to the idea of eating Paleo, essentially only food from a source you can kill, grow or gather, of course I was doubtful. I didn’t think I could ‘give up’ so many of the things I loved, even if they were causing my body harm. I didn’t even know if I wanted to change my diet that drastically, even if it meant extending my life and improving the quality of it.

A life without cheese? Bread? Brownies? Cereal? What was the point of living?

Well, the point of living is actually living. And how I was existing before didn’t quite fit into that category. I was restricted by what I could physically do, or the lack there of. By the time I was 28 with an abused body from back to back pregnancies and muscle atrophy from months of bed rest, my pain threshold had been reached. Finally though, with three babies of my own to motivate the quest for a better self, my desire to be better for them was enough to catapult me into action.

I had figured it out…. if I wasn’t happy with myself or any situation in my life, all I had to do was change it!

Another 6 months or so passed with slowing results exercise wise even with working my ass off at Boot Camp, I realized another eternal truth:

You can’t outwork a bad diet.

So I dove in and focusing on my nutrition and decades of bad eating habits with a 28-Day Challenge. Basically it was weekly therapy sessions with an awesome group of like-minded women, paired with a strict cleanse/elimination style diet that allowed me to get away from all the things my body was addicted to.

My craving for food, (sugar, wheat, flour, caffeine, fat) pretty much dictated my life and every move I was going to make. The list of problem foods went on and on…. I discovered through the elimination phase during my Challenges that I was also ‘addicted’ to the following:

- Cheese. I never realized I put it on EVERYTHING until I stopped eating it.
- Starbucks/McDonald’s/gas station coffee drinks full of sugar or artificial sweetener. I just drink my coffee now straight up with a splash of Almond milk.
- Milk. There are many other options for breakfast besides cereal, yogurt, oatmeal, waffle, pancakes, bagels, and cow’s milk!
- Grains. I loved bread. I’d eat literally the whole bowl my soup was served in at Panera Bread, with a baguette.
- Ibuprofen. Who the hell gets ‘addicted’ to an over the counter pain reliever? ME! I thought I needed it just to get through the day with all the pain in my back, hip, knees. I was under 30 years old, but felt over 50! Maybe the Ibuprofen it was more of a mental addiction because my body was in such physical pain everyday that I thought I needed it right off the bat to get my day started and again to re-up in the afternoon just to make it through the day.

But truthfully, the pain never altered no matter what kind of pills I took. The only real improvement began when I started eating better and decreasing the amount of inflammation in my body through my diet, as well as continuing to work on flexibility and mobility exercises.

Eating Paleo also brought the added benefit of liking how I looked. Just by eating clean for 1 month, I saw changes in my physical make-up that have never manifested in months and years of working out or ‘dieting’. Areas of my body that exercise never touched disappeared just by altering what I ate! Say bye-bye to those love handles, muffin tops, protruding pouches, back cleavage or the annoying chest/armpit fat that bunches up from your bra.

Don’t believe me? Give it a try. What have you got to lose besides unwanted weight, bad tummy aches, and a life shackled to strong mental and physical craving for food?

By eating Paleo the past 6 months and keeping a detailed record of what I eat, I have learned many things I never knew about my body before. For example, who knew if I ate ice cream my digestive system would very quickly become upset and I would be on the toilet the entire next day?

Not to sound gross or give TMI, but one of the benefits of a Paleo diet is it helps with many health issues such as autoimmune diseases or many stomach/digestive problems such as Irritable Bowl Syndrome. I never thought I had problems resulting from what I ate, unlike other people I knew who are afraid to eat without access to a bathroom because just the simple act of eating wreaked such havoc on their body! What kind of quality of life is that!? But considering my kids are lactose intolerant, maybe Mama is too and never knew it!

How could that be…. 30 years of not knowing my body or some important triggers revealed in a few months of clean eating and paying attention to how I feel after I eat certain foods!? I am amazed. It’s like an ongoing science experiment.

The main difference I notice is how GREAT I feel not eating crap. I’ve come to realize if a man made it in a factory somewhere or if food comes from a package, it’s probably not that good for you.

Plus I’m proud of my developing Paleo preferences. Not that long ago I would have snarled my nose at eating a salad or drowned it in ranch dressing before I scarfed it down to get onto the main entrée. Now many days salads are the main entrée! I enjoy eating salads (mostly spinach) without dressing, and LIKE it. Actually crave it.

When you eliminate all the things your body is tricked into thinking tastes good like fried foods, sugar, salt and preservatives in EVERYTHING, you realize that nature has so much more to offer your palette than you ever dreamed!

And the herbs and spices! Whoever knew all those leaves, sprouts and weird looking twigs in the produce section were so flavorful that the addition to a few select choices could drastically alter the taste of an entire meal? Cilantro, basil and ginger…. OH MY!

I have discovered a whole new world of foods I love that are actually nourishing and good for me, like avocados. I eat an average of ½ of one a day, straight up with a slice of turkey or few ounces of chicken. On my salad, in a lettuce wrap, fresh made guacamole. And I never even tried it before because I thought it resembled baby poop!

I don’t even miss bread for my sandwiches now (I just roll up the turkey and stuff it with goodies like avocado, tomato, etc). Or potatoes! Baked potatoes were my all time favorite food, and chips! Not as many cravings because I know how I will feel if I eat them. Thirsty and greasy, with a nasty film in my mouth.

I’ve gotten to a really fun point where I have bought the entire cookbook selection available on Paleo cooking and eating. Now I get excited planning my meals for the week. My husband is a Chef by trade, so we spend awesome family time together in the kitchen developing our own fun, delicious recipes and have our own cookbook coming soon! What a feeling when I watch my entire family (all 5 of us, 3 toddlers included) happily polish off everything on their Paleo dinner plate.

Point is…. Paleo works. For me. And my family. I can see the longevity of living a lifestyle that leads to feeling better and fueling my body with what’s best for it. There’s a lot of fear behind ‘giving up’ so many kinds of food we all love, and a lot of emotional shit tied to eating too that can hinder and cloud the decision to jump in and give Paleo a try. And I am not saying I didn’t struggle BAD sometimes in the beginning, or still find it hard now not to fall into old habits.

But regardless how long it took me to get here, or the struggles that still rear their ugly head, the way I feel now overrides any previous fears I had about changing. I've discovered the benefits of fully living a healthier life can override any addiction though. So for me, Paleo is the way to go.

30 years of Leah passed with a celebration worthy of my old school reputation.

"Kick ass party!" posts and "You sure know how to throw 'em" comments littered my Facebook page the next day.

The pictures posted online stop documenting the party about the time the DJ started playing music so loud the only option was to dance, drink more, or leave.
There are after midnight pics on my camera, but none are internet acceptable. More like blackmail material, unnamed party goers dancing on the table, freak dancing like it really was 1999, sucking Jell-o shots off each other like they were made of water not vodka, people having sex on the side of the building, in the bathroom….. Now that’s what I call a PARTY!

We partied at the rental hall til 2:30 am, stopped by a local bar and shut them down after 4:00am. After the party it’s the after party and a few VIP guests were invited back to our new pad. We partied some more until the sun began peeking around somewhere out in the atmosphere where my sobriety resided and we finally called it a night.

The next day all I could say was 'Did I turn 30 or 21!?'

Thanks to all who came out to celebrate!

She's So Tough She Shits Nails...

My 30th Birthday celebration was awesome night, but really the party of the decade was just a tiny blip the radar of my life and everything else that went on in the days before and following the celebration of my birth.

What I will remember most is my kids dancing, singing & performing to Justin Bieber, twirling and break dancing, the kind of uninhibited happiness that only comes with the innocence of early childhood. I can remember being at parties or weddings like that as a child, just so unexplainably happy and overflowing with excitement and love. I could have cried right then, watching them made me so happy and fulfilled.

I remember my own mother turning 30. It was July in Florida and we sang happy birthday to her in a hot hotel room packed with family members. There’s a picture of her bent over blowing out the candles, all tan and blonde, coming off a recent major weight loss, flossing her strapless white baiting suit cover-up. I just remember thinking how happy and pretty she was. I can only hope my children look back at the pictures of us from that day and think the same thing, especially since they are too young to actually remember the occasion.

I never gave much thought to turning 30 until it was here. I wasn't one of those people who dreaded it, or hid from the fact they were leaving their 20's behind. I felt honored and blessed to have made it to 30, the everlasting residual effect of losing a good friend at 15. It just seemed symbolic to me to have lived twice her age. How lucky am I!? The other ironic element that makes me smile in amazement is just where my life is at 30. I always assumed by now I'd be married and have 2 kids- just like my mom. I always kind of paced my life to hers. And here I am....

Married to a wonderful man who always celebrates his birthday two days before mine. I love that tradition we have. So what I thought by now I'd have more of a 'career', be half famous by now as a reporter, writer, broadcast journalist.

But the big shocker is always 'Leah as the M.O.M'. Mother of Multiples. It’s the multiples part that amazes me to tears of gratefulness. I never in a million years would have come up with this scenario, that when I turned the big three-oh I'd be a mother of three... a beautiful, sweet three year old son AND twin two year old girls. Hell up until I was 28 I would have never thought by now I'd be a mother of three by now, especially twins.

I will always remember the wonderment in their faces as we sang happy birthday 5 times over a fresh fruit bowl with candles. Daddy's ice-cream cake they ate as I stepped out for a jog as they devoured the whole thing so Mommy's wouldn't be tempted. Birthday Boot camp in a stagnant firehouse gym on a monsoon rainy day. Finishing all my duties for the week and sailing into a Friday filled with pre-arranged babysitters for the kids and a day full of pampering literally from head to toe. Teeth cleaning at the dentist after dropping the kids off, lunch with my best girl friends, pedicure, pre-party margarita drinking decorating the Train Depot in preparation for the big day. The best laid plans....

Sometimes if I thought God was really that kind of God I could relate to the saying, 'God laughs at people who make plans.' It always seems as if whenever I have something planned, a party, vacation, anything out of the ordinary routine or special, something bad happens. These experiences fuel my anxiety about bad things happen and probably inadvertently draw more bad things my way, but DAMN IT sometimes can't I just get a break and have something go off without a hitch? No kids throwing up on Thanksgiving unknowingly passing a stomach virus around two both sides of the family, no babies in the hospital day after Derby, or my baby boy being admitted to Kosair the day after I returned to work after the birth of my twins.

And then... the nail. Alyssa swallowed a nail. A real, metal, sharp, pointy nail the night before my celebrations began.

I'll never forget another hospital adventure spent alone, no cell phone reception, physical company or support for Mama, just me and my baby entertaining ourselves in the depths of the children's hospital ER waiting rooms, sweet moments of assurance and prayer, songs and stories, stuffing the fear of 'what if' far, far away and not worrying more than necessary until they give me something to worry about.

It all worked out OK; she passed the nail past the crucial point in her stomach and eventually shit it out. That girl’s so tough…

"Hey Mom, have fun at your party! Don't worry about that nail in my belly...

Happy Birthday!"

Me & My Girls on Party Day

Food Revolution

I just watched the second season of Jaime Oliver’s 'Food Revolution' and I am amazed again at the resistance he faces trying to educate Americans about what they are eating! People are giving him shit for showing them food alternatives that taste good and are better for their health than the processed, fast food bullshit we are addicted to!?

I’ve come to the conclusion that basically the bottom line is money and addiction. Why else would people continually make themselves sick with diabetes, high blood pressure, heart issues, obesity and a whole slew of other avoidable illness if they weren’t addicted? Or maybe they just aren’t educated to know better?

Money is one obvious obstacle. How sad is it that its cheaper to eat a 99 cent fried 5 piece of processed chicken than to eat a real piece of grilled chicken? Have you ever tried to grocery shop at Whole Foods Market? The food, especially the meat, looks so much better than other grocery stores, but the price tag is often twice as much! Can a family of 5 even afford to eat healthy in hard economic times like these? I’ve cried several times at the checkout line looking at the rising total.

I feel overwhelmed when I watch this show, and sad. My face crumples when the 17 year old girl tells the story of her grandparents dying of weight issues, her parents suffering from type 2 diabetes, as well as her 13 year old sister, and their eating habits at home still haven’t changed. Why are we continuing to kill ourselves and our children? And why does the government and institutions such as school districts not only allow it to happen, but fight a revolution that is trying to improve the health of many?

It’s a touchy subject, even in my own family. People get pissed when they perceive your desire for improved heath as an attack on their way of life. I suppose some of Jaime Oliver’s opposition on the show is so stubborn because they resent someone coming in and telling them their way is ‘wrong’. But shouldn’t schools of all places opt for food that will enhance the wellness of their children, not contribute to the disease that runs rampant in our society?

I’ve lost relationships with some of my own family members over my pursuit of a healthier lifestyle because they suddenly think I am judging them or talking down to them. Or that I think I am better than them because I am trying to eat better and raise my children to break the pattern of obesity that dominates both sides of my genetic pool. I realize their attacks on me are just a defense mechanism because by drawing attention to the positive changes in my own life it forces them to examine their own painful habits and addictions. I am not judging or criticizing your lunch choice, I am begging for your awakening so you will be around for the birth of your own grandchildren.

I am not trying to take away all your pleasure in life by replacing your pasta recipe with spaghetti squash; I am attempting to create a tiny shift in your taste preferences that can benefit your health! What I want to say sometimes is, “You do realize I am saying all this as a fat person, right?” I’m not some 100 lb fitness expert talking down from a yoga mat.

Even with my recent loss of ‘pregnancy weight’ I weighed this much all on my own before having children to blame it on and probably still technically, medically fall into the ‘morbidly obese’ category, or at the least have been there before.

I know better than anyone where they are coming from and it’s a hard, fucked up place to exist in. But there is light on the other side of the scale and I want to help lead them to it!
I know the struggle. I fight it everyday, even with all my recent diet and weight loss ‘successes’. All my indignation comes from a place of love because I’ve climbed that mountain of mashed potatoes and gravy and I see the valley of veggies down below, and you know what? They taste good! I am satisfied with what I eat.

When people hear I am doing a 30 or 90 Day Challenge, or eating Paleo, they say, “Oh Leah’s on that diet where she can’t eat anything again!”

No, actually I am living a lifestyle where I get to eat delicious, fresh food I usually prepare so I know what’s in the fuel I am feeding my body. I feel great! I feel so good physically, but more importantly emotionally and psychologically that I can’t help but to spread the gospel of greens and almond milk and avocados! I know how hard it is to abstain from Oreo cookies and sweets in general. But as time goes by and my new positive, beneficial eating habits replace a lifetime of sabotaging ones, it gets easier to say no to the cheese sauce on my broccoli and pass on demolishing the bread basket.

I see all the people trying to fight a man doing a TV show about a food revolution and I relate to the resistance I face on a daily basis in my own life and family. As my face crumples over the sadness of a 17 year old who has resigned herself to an unavoidable life suffering with a disease she doesn’t have yet, but knows if she doesn’t make a change that she will follow in the footsteps of her family, I relate to the feeling of hopelessness.

How many times have I thought and felt in my life, “Oh well, I guess I’m just gonna be fat forever…..”

My 2 year old daughter’s faces scrunch up with confusion, mirroring my emotions. They don’t know whether they should cry too. Twin pools of innocence starring at me for guidance, so I smile and say, “Its OK babies, Mommy promises to fight. I will fight for you always.”

I promise out loud to give everything in me to lead by example that food is not the enemy, and neither are we. I promise to provide them with a healthy way of life with the hope their unavoidable struggles in life will not be the same ones that have plagued our families for generations. My husband and I toast ourselves often for breaking the patterns and cycles instilled in us. So I flip the switch inside as most mothers often do and smile through my sadness and tears.

When I smile, they smile.

I pray such influence is everlasting, or at least ingrained enough so that when they are old enough to fight their own battles, they are a force to be reckoned with because of the strength and confidence I have instilled in them.

New House,

New Dawn, New Day,

for Change

What a beautiful day!

Bless my husband for taking all 3 kids away on a Bass Pro adventure and leaving me ALL ALONE to experience the unexplored newness of our new house and prowl the neighborhood taking in such a spectacular spring day!

Ever notice how bright the sun shines, how intensely the colors of the world explode against each other when you’re in a good mood? And how on the down days, depression seems to tint the world grey no matter the season or weather?

I am excited and appreciative after a few minutes akin to panic over not knowing what to do with myself without tending to the constant wants and needs of 3 little ones at any given time! I decide to let the dishes ride and boxes sit while I lie on the couch and do absolutely nothing.

I enjoy a few chapters of ‘Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff’ (seemed appropriate!) when suddenly I am struck with the desire to MOVE! It’s kind of a chilly day despite the sunshine and blue skies, so I shed the blanket and take off into uncharted territory to check out my new surroundings.

At my old house I knew every nook and cranny of that neighborhood. Countless days and nights were spent roaming the streets and woods as kids on bikes or go carts. Just as many hours as a teenager were spent scouting spots to get high or ‘get low’ without anybody knowing. (I knew them all! Haha Good times….)

I also knew all the neighbors or at least enough of a majority to feel safe and secure with my doors unlocked half the time. (I know, I know…. didn’t I learn my lesson that nowhere these days is safe when that man got shot in my yard by the police my junior year in high school? Or how about when my car got broken into the 1st week we moved back in a few years ago!?)

I am motivated and excited for another reason; the promise of a new phase of my fitness journey is fresh and unexpected excitement takes over my mind.

That Jennifer Hudson commercial sings in my head, “It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day….”

Bring it on, CHANGE!

Overcoming Food Addiction

One

Bite

at

a

Time

I celebrate so many ‘Small Victories’ each day I sometimes don’t stop to even celebrate them anymore. Not that they aren’t important or relevant to my evolutionary progress, but its gotten increasingly easier to buy and serve strawberry cheesecake ice-cream to my family without wanting or needing to lick the spoon so bad it almost physically hurts.

Am I overcoming my own food addictions? YES! Finally! And it feels great.

I can go to resteraunts like Frisch’s Big Boy with my kids and eat a delicious dinner of spinach salad with hard boiled eggs, jalapenos, and sunflower seed (not even any dressings or oil!) and enjoy it without feigning for something fried or drooling over the hot fudge cake sundae advertisement staring and wearing me down. The fresh pineapple and honeydew off the salad bar was perfect for dessert!

Go me!

I’m not even halfway though our latest 90 Day Paleo Nutrition Challenge and as I listen to the despair and struggle of some other participants at the beginning of their journey I just want them to know if they just stick it out and persevere, it DOES get easier.

I mean, I can cook a Taco Salad dinner with ground turkey, tomatoes, avocado, onions, green peppers and crunch up tortilla chips for everyone else and enjoy just the crunch of my own lettuce wrap. I’ve even converted one of the twins (guess which!) over to a salad eater. It’s fulfilling and satisfying to cook a meal for my entire family that we can all enjoy together that is good for them.

The continual transformation of my body motivates me as well, down 13 more lbs as of my first weigh in 2 weeks ago at the one month mark. Also that puts me at crunch time for my 30th B-day countdown goal less than a month away of shedding all this ‘baby weight’ gained during the gestation of 3 babies over the past 2 years. I am 12 lbs away to hitting my pre-pregnancy/wedding weight. I got this!

Plus I’ve taken a break from my beloved Boot camp regimen in favor of personal training with another MaxFit trainer who has been sculpting my ass into better shape these past 6 weeks. (Thanks Dwain!) I feel great. The 1-on-1 setting made me notice how maybe I’ve been slacking during Boot camp and not pushing myself as hard as I do in a tailored workout just for me.

But the best news of all…… NO BACK PAIN!

I feel like a new woman, or at least a very pretty butterfly emerging from a hazy, confused yet comforting cocoon. I imagine the transformation from a caterpillar to butterfly hurts a little, breaking free from a womb of familiarity, even if it wasn’t so great in there, to thrust yourself into a world full of unknowns.

Let me tell you, the view out here is amazing.

Leah Haters

How come the more you surround yourself with positive energy and people, the more the haters seem to come out of the woodwork? Don’t sweat me and what I got, get your own! Don’t rain on my parade cause your float sucks! Go ahead, copy mine if you like it so much and make yourself a new one!

Jealousy is a sad emotion really, and doesn’t look flattering on anyone. I learned from one of my books that maybe not everyone is as excited about my positive changes lately because it reminds them of their unhappiness or that you have what they what.

When you see someone with something you desire, don’t feel jealous and envious of that person….Feel happy for them! Genuinely, truly happy and joyous for them, not sad or sulky cause what you want is currently present in their life. Send them thoughts of love and excitement for their achievements and blessing as if they were your own and that’s what will come back to you!

The Awakening

All I remember about Kate Chopin’s version of the classic novel The Awakening is it being a sad tale of a mother who walks into the water at the end of the story and kills herself. What’s so great about an ‘awakening’ like that?

As I near the landmark milestone of my 30th birthday, I find all kinds of subtle and not-so subtle changes happening all around me, within me, to me, for me, by me. My own personal ‘Awakening’ looks nothing like the famous version, but is filled with light and hope and knowledge and a better understanding of just exactly who I am and why I am they way I am.

I didn’t stumble upon all these realizations just fumbling through the daily grind with my eyes closed, in the dark, just doing what needed to be done to survive. I feel like I have been operating on that mode for a while now. I grew tired of that exhausting existence and consciously, purposefully went searching for answers to the questions that have been taunting and haunting me for… well, forever.

Why do I always seem to self sabotage myself?

With weight? My career, losing out on jobs I wanted and got so close to but never materialized? Friendships I was on the verge of forging but fell short of making long term connections last? Great ideas I had and would get all excited over and then let fade into nothingness because I talked myself out of thinking they were great or that they were too unrealistic to even pursue?

My whole entire life I seem to have gotten caught up on the ‘how’ of making things happens, instead of simply just focusing on making them happen! I’ve always thought of myself as an optimistic person. A favorite phase of mine has always been ‘Never underestimating the power of positive thinking’ but I rarely took it a step further! I see now believing is just the beginning of making all the things you ever dreamed of happen.

Dreams come true when you venture out beyond belief.

One of my new favorite pastimes is reviving my usage of the library. My LFPL card has been scanned more times in the past months than in the past decade! How did I let that happen!?

As a child/pre-teen I vividly remember making my mom take me to the library on a weekly basis where I would check out as many books as they’d let me, like 13 at a time, and passionalty read through them back-to-back-to-back until it was time to re-up my stash. Oh how good it feels to be among the stacks of knowledge, entertainment, escape, and possibility that lie within the rows and rows of books!

It started one day on a whim to stop by the Fern Creek branch after a grocery run to check on the availability of a Paleo cookbook I have been searching for. I searched the food section with no avail and wondered over to the self help shelves. I scanned the titles aimlessly, laughing at the absurdity of some, until my eyes stopped upon a small book, red with ancient looking text calling out to me.

I selected ‘The Secret’ simply because I remember a show about it on Oprah and where everyone on there seemed so excited to share their ‘secret’ knowledge. I flipped through the pages and saw lots of quotes by famous people from the past. Tidbits of positivity leapt off the page and piqued my interest and I was sold.

I read the entire book in a day and a half. Some sections were already high lighted and even though it was a library book, I found myself busting out my pink high lighter and marking passages that moved me. There were many.

The Law of Attraction, what a powerful force to tap into and use in daily life! Why doesn’t everybody practice this!? I guess one would have to begin with believing in order to see results, but if even if the theory weren’t true that you attract whatever energy you put out, what’s the harm in trying?

I began testing the theories and almost immediately the universe began to align itself with my thoughts and desires. Ask and ye shall receive! I found many things and thoughts in my own head I already knew to be true were validated and expanded on in this book.

My excitement was so contagious I got my husband to read the book and within a few days we were having little ‘Bible Studies’ together at night sharing sections we liked and what they meant to us and how to apply all the positive energy and goodness into our lives. He was just as amazed as I was when IT WORKED. Immediately.

People we thought about or talked about called or showed up on our door. Objects or other things we wanted were suddenly made available. Money began to flow into our lives easy and effortlessly. That was one of our pet phrases. We wrote down quotes, affirmations, daily mantras on sticky notes and posted them in our car, throughout the pages of our calendars and agenda, on mirrors. We said them to each other and sat back and watched the magic happen.

Any chance I got, I trolled the book section at the grocery, Half Priced Books, Meijer for titles that jumped out at me or called me with the promise of an inner message meant just for me. I found it everywhere I looked. ‘Self help’ book after book breaking down the inner workings of my mind and heart in ways I had only once dreamed of exploring.

I found another moving book called ‘Negaholics’ that got me so excited I began to get on people’s nerves with my positivity and desire to share my new found knowledge of the secrets of the mind and universe. This book was if someone had written a Bible for me on understanding why my mind tended to work the way it did, years of worry and anxiety, crazy thoughts of my loved ones dying and doom and gloom for days, suddenly explained.
Author Cherie Carter-Scott provided a remedy for that negative line of thinking and living that when applying to my life, ACTUALLY worked! How awesome and amazing is that?

So as I celebrate the milestone marker of entering the typical ‘mid-life’ decade of my life, I welcome my personal awakening.

When I stand at the shoreline with water lapping around my ankles, I look forward to floating amidst the gentle waves. And when the tide turns a little rough, Mother Nature ain’t got shit on my swimming skills. There’s no more sinking into the black abyss for me.

Progress

Boot Camp never gets easy. I've been going at it for a year and a half now and I have never in that amount of time described it as ‘easy’. I get discouraged at the pace of my progress sometimes, which just means I need to go harder.

Tonight I was surprised at a sign of positive progression. It has been around 6 months since I did a side plank. It wasn’t until I went to balance the weight of my body up on my elbow tonight and I realized my ass rose off the ground with ease that I remembered struggling with this particular exercise. I vividly remember being in the old MaxFit Boot Camp building, an early morning battle to balance on one elbow without tipping over. Mainly I remember saying out loud with genuine frustration, “I just can’t get my ass off the ground!!!!” Literally. I couldn’t lift my ass and thighs even and inch up off the ground.
Tonight I rose up on that elbow and swear I felt a breeze between my ass and the ground. An unexpected physical manifestation of progress right before my eyes. OK, so I was balancing from the sides of my knees and not my ankles. My thighs were still brushing the floor a little at times, my arm got to shaking, and I weeble-wobbled….

but I didn’t fall down.

So it’s been 28 days since the end of my 28 Day Challenge. I wish it were still going on, I do so much better when forced discipline is involved. I lost 12 pounds, but what I gained was way more important. I continue to learn and grow from the experience. The main lesson is what a difference following a REAL diet does for your body.

I’m not talking some fad ‘diet’ filled with low fat, low carb, low cal, grapefruit, cabbage soup, Atkins, or Weight Watcher Points system that allows you to eat as much of the things you like in order to maintain or lose a few pounds here and there. I’m talking a ‘diet’ in the real sense of the word filled with fresh foods not man made or found in packages. Not counting calories, fat grams, or protein, just eating what your body actually needs to be nourished.

I’ve never seen these kinds of results. I have done every one of the afore mentioned ‘diets’ before and had ‘success’ on many of them… for a while. Then I would always revert back to my old eating habits and patterns and would gain back everything I lost plus more. A never ending cycle I am destroying so the pattern is not passed down another generation.

This is important to me. The crux of why I am doing what I am doing and succeeding this time. That is not to say I still don’t struggle, every single day, but I have a main mission and I am dedicated to making my vision a reality. I want my kids to have a chance at not being overweight.

People think I am crazy. Most my family and friends are annoyed by my new habits and all the change. I am confused by this. Why wouldn’t people want me to be happy, healthier? Then I realized it’s not about me, but them. They are still stuck in their addictions and me addressing mine forces then to think about (or not think about) theirs and that makes them resentful. It’s hurtful sometimes.

What annoys me most is when I try to spread the good word and tell people about how they can make changes in their life to accomplish what they say they want and I am met with nothing but opposition and negativity. Tons of ‘I could never do that’ or ‘I’m not giving up my salt or coffee or Cokes.’ Really? Those things are more important to you than your happiness, than your life? Cause I am fighting for my life here and I just want some more soldiers in my ranks.

I feel SO GOOD about what I am doing I want to share it with everybody. Don’t they see I was once just like them and I overcame the same exact obstacles they face? So if I can do it, so can they! People say ‘I am just not as strong as you’ and I just don’t believe it. They are, they just don’t want to step up and do what is required for real change.

All the excuses! An excuse is an excuse is an excuse. I worked for a company when I was a teenager that was very influential in my life and taught me there is a difference between a ‘reason’ and an ‘excuse’ so I strive in my life to not make excuses. If there is a legit reason why I can’t do something, well then I will just keep working on a solution until I get what I want. I’m not a quitter, I don’t give up. I might get delayed or derailed, but I always get what I want because I accept no less. And if I can’t make something happen, well then I must not have really wanted it in the first place.


I am tired hearing people complain about how they are sick of being fat or their diet is not working for them or they are exercising all the time with no results or are in pain all day everyday. Them when I try to offer them a solution, its nothing but negativity right off the bat. It’s like people aren’t even open change, so stop complaining about it. If you really want to succeed, you must be willing to sacrifice. If you are not at that point yet, if your pain threshold has not been reached, then you can just continue about your daily misery, but I don’t want to hear about it.

I want to help you.

I want others to see the realm of what is possible, not be put off by my suggestion that their lives can be better, like I am speaking from a soap box. Don’t you see we are in the same battle? Can’t you save yourself some of the pain I went though and just skip over that part and start making things better now instead of suffering even more when the answer is just right in front of you for the taking?

I guess not. I know people have to fight their own battles, but I wish I could just take all of you on my back and trudge through the desert of despair to the river of hope and toss your ass in.

I do Boot Camp, I am strong enough. And you could be too.

Sometimes on Saturday afternoons I prowl the house while my family naps and I’m tired too, but there’s too much to do and I drank too much coffee, so I stare at each of you and thank God for the simple blessings of sweet, sleeping children and hushed husbands who aren’t complaining about the dishes or kicking toys to make a path to walk.

I whisper softly how much I love them, knowing they will probably never know. I watch Grey’s Anatomy on the DVR and cry over fictitional storylines when my storyline rivals TV’s best in the best of way possible.

When all my days are as spent as my energy level, I try to never forget nothing else matters more than the in and out of your breath and smiles on your face. We see a lot of smiles around here and do a lot of kissing and I hope that never changes, even though years of adolescent torture on my part that are bound to come.

I pray what we’ve found in our little piece of reality heaven stays like this forever.

Super Couple:

Kenny and Leah (by the numbers)

Looks can be deceiving. People see our pictures circa 2010, happy family 5 deep filled with smiling babies, loving parents and some may think, “Wow they have it all!’

What people fail to realize is having it all comes with a price. Before there was a Super MOM or Super Ken, we called ourselves a Super Couple. We are one of those rare couples who survive and are greatful for it. Years of tears and sacrifice are behind those smiles. We fought hard for what we have now and never gave up.

That’s how you gain Super Couple status. I heard a very old married couple say the secret to their successful marriage was they never fell out of love with each other at the same time. The key to a happy marriage is even when it hurts, even if you don’t always like each other, even if you have ever questioned if love is enough… never give up.

Here’s a run down of Kenny & Leah by the numbers:

Years together: 11
Years married: 4
Met: January 6th 2000
Couple since: February 2000
Age Leah was: 18
Age Kenny was: 27
Age difference: 9 (physically, 0 mentally haha)
First Date: Spring 2000 U of L Jazz Ensemble
Moved in together: Summer 2001
Engaged: December 2001
Married: December 30th, 2006
Number of wedding dates set before it actually happened: 5
Number of wedding dresses purchased: 2
Number of nephews born on our wedding day: 1
Number of couples therapists/marriage counselors visited over the years: 3
Number of break-ups: 1
Duration: 3-6 months
Longest time lapsed without contact: 1 long, lonely, painfully miserable month
Number of times Kenny proposed: 1
Number of times Leah proposed: 1
Number of Leah’s Engagement rings: 2 in 11 years (upgraded as of this Christmas!)
Number of Kenny’s wedding rings: 2 in less than 2 years (claims he lost it fishing… things that make you go hhmmmm)
Number of Children: 3
Number of pregnancies: 2 (in less than two years…twins!)
Number of car accidents together: 3
Number of crazy ex-girlfriends Leah punched in the club: 1
Number of cities visited on vacation: 20 (Windsor, Canada. Maumee Bay, OH. Philadelphia, PA. St. Petersburg Beach, FL. St. Augustine, FL. Miami, FL. Key West, FL. Tell City, IN. Birmingham, AL. Gulf Shores, AL. Chicago, IL. Some locations multiple times: Gatlingurg, TN. Indianapolis, IN. Columbus, GA. Memphis, TN. Honolulu, HI. Some never again: Bilouxi, MS. Playa del Carmen, Mexico. All but 2 before children: Nashville, TN. Cincinatti, OH LOL)

I promise to scan proof of all this and post old pictures of us someday. Until then, here’s happy Kenny & Leah celebrating Christmas and her first wedding ring upgrade. (He always did know how to decorate a gal, the emerald & diamond necklace I am wearing was a Christmas gift from 2006 the year we got married and gave me a beautiful charm bracelet for our Anniversary this year. Bonus points!)

And us celebrating our 4 year anniversary at Sake Blue with the hope of many more...