If I had a girl next time around, I found myself thinking, I'd like a cupcake arrangement in place of a cake at my shower! Maybe I'd decorate her room with rainbows, like the wallpaper I had as a kid! And if its another boy I would...
It went on like this all day.
Somewhere inside I already knew the test was wrong. So by the episode the following morning at the gym and the fact I wanted to throw up during an entire car ride to Fort Knox (where I actually fell asleep on the couch during a one-year olds birthday party) I was ready to let my husband in on my little nagging suspicions.
OK, so actually I tried to be selfish and hide it a bit longer. I was thinking of all these clever and memorable ways I would tell him we were expecting again as I tried to nonchalantly escape midday for an unnecessary trip to Walgreen's. I needed another round of pregnancy tests and I decided I was going to keep taking them every few days until I got the answer I suspected. He, of course, chooses this one trip to decide to get out of the house and accompany me. I try to shake him in the store and sneak towards the tests.
"Bryce likes the Hallmark aisle," I say, ducking to the back of the store. When he rounds the corner with my son on his shoulders and spots me tucking the pink box under my arm, I am busted, but he says nothing. I wonder if he is angry but doesn't want to make a scene. I scurry to the checkout counter like a shamed teenager buying contraception, even though for us its already too late for that.
In the car, I reveal my real reasons behind the top secret shopping adventure and blab my suspicions. The nausea. The unrelentless fatigue. The unknown origin of my last period.
"You bought a what!?" He hadn't even noticed my purchase. I had ruined all chances of a surprise unveiling of our new future!
At home, I pee on the stick and my hand, and wait. A plus sign pops up pink.
"I think I did it wrong," I proclaim, panic starting to spread. I am on the verge of paniced tears.
"I peed all over the thing and my hands and it said to just pee on the end, so and I'm going to pee in a cup and dip it in for this other one..." I ramble on.
I execute my biology experiment and fling myself on the bed to await the results. I definitely want to cry. Why did we let this happen? I don't WANT to be pregnant again! I do the math and realize my son is entirely too young to become a big brother. I will rob him of his childhood, my mother's voice echoing in my head already. The statement is residual effects from my grandmother's claims about my mothers phone call from the doctor during my 1st birthday party that she was indeed pregnant with her second child so soon.
I make him go to the bathroom this time. Let him be the bearer of bad news, confused at this point as to what exactly would constitute bad news. He enters the room with a smirk and I can't read his expression. 'Haha you're crazy, we're not pregnant' or 'Of course you didn't do it wrong, we're having a baby!'
"You're pregnant, " He says, handing it over. Now I cry. We're screwed. We're not ready for this. What are my parents going to think? (Will I ever out grow my need to seek approval and please them?) My brother and his wife are already pregnant again with Grand baby number 3, they don't want another one yet. I don't want another one yet!
He holds me and is the calm and reassuring all through the night. By the next morning, I am happy again. Damn hormones, making me think I didn't want this! My God, I was pregnant again!!! We were to be blessed again with another baby! I had always wanted my kids close together. They would grow up like my brother and I and it would be great. How wonderfully lucky I was!
I got dressed for work with my secret smile and set up the camera to take pictures of myself with my two pregnancy tests. I was already planning the Pregnancy #2 scrapbook in my head! Suddenly didn't mind the nausea that forced me to give away my peanut butter cookie during lunch at a work retreat and sleep in the corner of the conference room while the rest of my group took a tour of the grounds of the historic Locust Grove. It didn't matter anymore I still majorly felt like crap... I was pregnant!!!
