Breakthroughs are painful. Usually what you are ‘breaking through’ is years of negative thought patterns, bad behaviors that are not beneficial to you anymore, crusted over scars of emotional wounds to the psyche so deep you don’t want to think about the pain, let alone face it and deal with it again. Going through it once was hard enough; forget rehashing what hurts to ‘heal.’ Stuffing the pain away seems like a much easier choice.

Once upon a time I was crying so hard outside a Bed, Bath, and Beyond begging my husband to leave me on the side of the road because I was having such a ‘breakdown’ when he said the most profound thing to me.

“Leah, this doesn’t have to be a breakdown, make it a breakthrough.”

Damn, he’s good. Why didn’t I ever think of that?

I’ve been doing some hard work lately, not of the Boot Camp variety, but soul searching. Expanding my spiritual realm, trying to figure me out. It’s hard. Harder than the physical demands of Boot Camp actually.

I’ve been out with a bulging disk on my back since the second week in June. I attempted to return against the advice of my chiropractor and that didn’t work out so well. I cried my way through the session because my back was in so much pain, because I felt weak from going to banging out full sit ups and burpies to not even being able to get up and down off the ground without wincing. IT SUCKS.

I listen to the soothing voice of Eckert Toole’s ‘New Earth’ CDs in the car when I’m alone. I read self help book from the library. I write again when I can, reflecting and rewording my experiences for the world to see on a blog. That alone is scary enough.

So how come it still hurts so much? How come I don’t feel any closer to the truth? Obviously if I am still ‘trying’ to get there, I’m not there yet. Or am I and just don’t know it???

We aren’t entitled to a life without pain or suffering. I just wish I knew how to break through the pain to reach the other side sooner.