Acceptance.

I’m moving into the ‘Acceptance’ phase of grief and didn’t even realize I was mourning.

At first it was ‘Denial.’ I hurt my back on a Sunday night before week two of Phase 5 Boot Camp. I was still sore from Friday’s ass kicking and decided a little yoga would loosen me up for another round in the morning. I turned my DVR to Wai Lani yoga and after about 15 minutes I was there. On all fours in the living room floor, I was on vacation in Hawaii.

The ocean was roaring, the sun was coming up over the water, the mixture of Hawaiian music and the lady’s accent had me right on that beach with her. My breathing was right; my blood was flowing. Then bam! Just like that my back is out.

First stage of denial. Suck it up, you will be aright.

I still went to Boot camp Monday (not a good idea in retrospect) and barely made it through Wednesday’s workout. It was official, my back was hurt and I needed to take some time off. Weeks went by and things were not better.

July comes along and even after the help of a chiropractor I am still in pain from the moment I come into consciousness each morning until I drift away into dreamland. If I awake during the night or roll over, I am in pain. It’s like being miserable and pregnant but there’s no prize at the end.

I begin missing Boot camp so bad I get sad. I still think, “Maybe next week I can come back. Maybe next Phase, maybe next month….”

Next phase comes and goes. I am still in my bed every Mon-Wed-Fri at 5:30am.

If only I hadn’t done that stupid yoga. If only I had given my back rest right when it happened, I would be better by now. If only hadn’t been pregnant and on bed rest all those years, I would be stronger. If only I had been active earlier on my life instead of sitting on a couch reading or in front of a computer working …. If only.

Oh shit, I’m ‘Bargaining’.

So when August rolls around, I feel better than I was 6 weeks prior, but still can’t bend over to put on my shoes, get dressed, change a diaper, pick up a baby without a stabbing pain in my lower back. I decide I’m going to get back in Boot Camp and just do what I can do. I want to be there that bad.

I cried my way through the workout, not feeling strong or empowered anymore. Not marveling at the barriers I was breaking or the endurance I built. I feel weak again, less than I was, broke and beaten down. The women around me suddenly made me feel even worse about myself instead of inspiring. Boot Camp became no longer beneficial to me physically or emotionally and I was heart broken over it.

I stayed in my bed for two days and cried. I let myself get it out and admitted I was hurt and didn’t need to push myself so hard physically right now but focus harder on my eating and getting better.

I had a mini-counseling session over the phone with my trainer where I know I just sounded pitiful. He didn’t understand why I needed to be there so bad, why I depending on those 45 minutes three times a week to make me feel good about myself.

I wished someone had a magic wand and could poof my pain away, but I know life doesn’t work that way. There was only one way out of the hole I was in and that was to heal and get stronger so my body isn’t as vulnerable to injury

I didn’t realize what I was doing at the time until I finally came to grips with myself and just admitted I had an injury. Boot Camp is over for me (for now). My back needs time to heal and if I don’t give it that time, I was only going to hurt myself more in the long run. Damn it! I had been on a roll. I found something I LOVED, a rush of adrenaline like I never knew.

I don’t know where else I can feel like that and I am simply depressed over it.