Now I know what happens to the celebrities when they faint on stage or have a breakdown on live TV and sound like a coo coo head. When they take a break from work for a while or enter the hospital due to 'exaugstion'.

I think I'm about there.

In my head, the answer to all my problems would be a week away at a spa or somewhere sunny and quiet where I could lay in bed for a week or more at a time. Sleeping, not even reading or watching TV. Kind of like an induced coma, but I could wake up periodically and enjoy the view from my room. I wouldn't have to talk to people or take care of anyone else. They would feed me fruit, a bread bowl with warm soup, and chocolate in bed for every meal. To prevent atrophy, I would walk around a naturistic trail in the evenings and get massages several times a day to keep my blood pumping. Oh wait, that sounds too much like Heaven and getting there requires a serious step in the worst direction and I'm not willing to give up the good fight here for that yet, so I trudge on.

I realize I've lost my mojo a little bit. I can't find my 'happy place' at Bootcamp. Today I tried moving off by myself away from my freinds to maybe get some of my concentration back to no avail. My mind is not right.

If I go back and read my recent blogs, they are dark and depressing. No motivational speeches here. I like the positive ones better, but what's the point of having a blog if you're not honest, so stay tuned, I will return to my inspirational self soon enough. I hope. I will always have hope! If I lose that, I would be way to close to that spa in the sky.

I know will still reach my goals. I will come back around out of this funk, but it sucks to be stuck here in this darkness for the moment. The difference is now at this enlightened point in my life, I know there is a light on the other side, I just haev to paitently wait until I find my way to it again.

I was never good at being paitent.

Now I'm just in one of those pissed off for any and every reason moods. Mad at the world. I need some Bootcamp in the morning to calm my ass down.

Tonight was like the crescendo. Every time I turned to put out one fire, another bomb erupted behind my back. Alyssa has learned to climb on the couch and its a constant battle to keep her from climbing anything she can hike her leg up on.

So there she is sitting on the end table via the couch. As I fight her stubborn ass because all she wants to do now is sit on the end table, I realize my son is being way too quiet sitting behind the chaise lounge. Alarm bells for any parent. I pop up on him and catch him in the act of putting all his puzzle pieces down the air vent register.

As I was sticking my hand in to the spider web unknown, Alyssa reached the end table again and spilled my glass of water everywhere. As I ran to her, Carly continued her wail for her Teddy we couldn't find. We've never lost her Teddy before and this is the moment that happens? Right when they are ready for bed and I am ready for a few Ambien to take me away for a few days.

We of course have a back up Teddy, which was int he wash, so I leave them unattended to run downstairs and put it in the dryer. I hear a loud bang, the kind where you wince and freeze and wait to analyze the degree of injury from their cry. Silence. I bolt up the stairs and find both Alyssa and Bryce chilling on the end table, lamp on the floor.

What an end to my never ending Spring Break.

And there's still no end in sight. After tomorrow, I am on solo parent duty the rest of the weekend so my husband can visit his Dad in Georgia to fish. Recreation, what's that? I can't even dream of my non existnat get away at the moment. Even dreaming doesn't help. Even Bootcamp didn't help today. I think I am in trouble. My back is hurt from picking up my 35 pounder the wrong way over a week ago and of course it never gets to rest. I squat press 20, 26, and 35 lbs all day long. I feel like I could be an episode of 16 and Pregnant, except I'm older. If teenagers knew how much work being a good parent was, they would for sure double strap it up.

When I think of all my family on the beach in Florida, I keep singing in my head that margarita song 'Pour me something tall and strange, make it a Hurricane before I go insane.' And sad thing is, I don't even think alcohol will help because nothing I do can change my reality, all that is left is to change my attitude about it.

And right now I'm just fucking mad, so there's no talking rationally to an angry person. Even if its yourself and you realize how lucky you are to have so many blessings in life and that there's no reason to be ungreatful, but god damn can I just get a break!?

Spring Break? What break!?

This has been one of the longest weeks of my life. At least in the beginning when the babies were born and it was so hard, everything was a blur due to sleep deprivation and breast feeding frenzies. My pain from the c-section kept me distracted, the pain pills kept me slightly numb. Nowadays I just go crazy, go to sleep, and do it all again the next day. There is no relief in sight.

All my family (which equals all my babysitters, the trusted, valued, people who relieve my stress) went to Florida. My husband is working double duty to cover my brother's work during his spontaneous vacation. Must be nice.

My 2 year old son is out of his Mother's Day Out program all week long and just the four of us have been cooped up in this house driving each other insane. I think they are tired of me too and each other. Sure its been nice outside, but how can one person handle three out of our comfort, baby proofed zone? I logistualy can't take them to the grocery, they all won't fit in a cart. The park alone is too difficult, I tried.

This is the first time I have truly been alone with them without the help of family and I suppose its good for me to get perspective on how it truly takes a village, but fuck I just want to sit down for a moment.

I fell off the food bandwagon. I feel like I undid one month of hard work in one week!!! I lost 3.6lbs during the March Phase II Bootcamp, a pound a week, and I'm sure I gained at least that much back after my week 'off.' The thing that rests the most during the 'rest week' is my willpower!


Why is it I always seem to take two steps forward, one step back? That's twice the work with only half the results!!!

Get your shit together, Leah!