So it’s been 28 days since the end of my 28 Day Challenge. I wish it were still going on, I do so much better when forced discipline is involved. I lost 12 pounds, but what I gained was way more important. I continue to learn and grow from the experience. The main lesson is what a difference following a REAL diet does for your body.

I’m not talking some fad ‘diet’ filled with low fat, low carb, low cal, grapefruit, cabbage soup, Atkins, or Weight Watcher Points system that allows you to eat as much of the things you like in order to maintain or lose a few pounds here and there. I’m talking a ‘diet’ in the real sense of the word filled with fresh foods not man made or found in packages. Not counting calories, fat grams, or protein, just eating what your body actually needs to be nourished.

I’ve never seen these kinds of results. I have done every one of the afore mentioned ‘diets’ before and had ‘success’ on many of them… for a while. Then I would always revert back to my old eating habits and patterns and would gain back everything I lost plus more. A never ending cycle I am destroying so the pattern is not passed down another generation.

This is important to me. The crux of why I am doing what I am doing and succeeding this time. That is not to say I still don’t struggle, every single day, but I have a main mission and I am dedicated to making my vision a reality. I want my kids to have a chance at not being overweight.

People think I am crazy. Most my family and friends are annoyed by my new habits and all the change. I am confused by this. Why wouldn’t people want me to be happy, healthier? Then I realized it’s not about me, but them. They are still stuck in their addictions and me addressing mine forces then to think about (or not think about) theirs and that makes them resentful. It’s hurtful sometimes.

What annoys me most is when I try to spread the good word and tell people about how they can make changes in their life to accomplish what they say they want and I am met with nothing but opposition and negativity. Tons of ‘I could never do that’ or ‘I’m not giving up my salt or coffee or Cokes.’ Really? Those things are more important to you than your happiness, than your life? Cause I am fighting for my life here and I just want some more soldiers in my ranks.

I feel SO GOOD about what I am doing I want to share it with everybody. Don’t they see I was once just like them and I overcame the same exact obstacles they face? So if I can do it, so can they! People say ‘I am just not as strong as you’ and I just don’t believe it. They are, they just don’t want to step up and do what is required for real change.

All the excuses! An excuse is an excuse is an excuse. I worked for a company when I was a teenager that was very influential in my life and taught me there is a difference between a ‘reason’ and an ‘excuse’ so I strive in my life to not make excuses. If there is a legit reason why I can’t do something, well then I will just keep working on a solution until I get what I want. I’m not a quitter, I don’t give up. I might get delayed or derailed, but I always get what I want because I accept no less. And if I can’t make something happen, well then I must not have really wanted it in the first place.


I am tired hearing people complain about how they are sick of being fat or their diet is not working for them or they are exercising all the time with no results or are in pain all day everyday. Them when I try to offer them a solution, its nothing but negativity right off the bat. It’s like people aren’t even open change, so stop complaining about it. If you really want to succeed, you must be willing to sacrifice. If you are not at that point yet, if your pain threshold has not been reached, then you can just continue about your daily misery, but I don’t want to hear about it.

I want to help you.

I want others to see the realm of what is possible, not be put off by my suggestion that their lives can be better, like I am speaking from a soap box. Don’t you see we are in the same battle? Can’t you save yourself some of the pain I went though and just skip over that part and start making things better now instead of suffering even more when the answer is just right in front of you for the taking?

I guess not. I know people have to fight their own battles, but I wish I could just take all of you on my back and trudge through the desert of despair to the river of hope and toss your ass in.

I do Boot Camp, I am strong enough. And you could be too.

Sometimes on Saturday afternoons I prowl the house while my family naps and I’m tired too, but there’s too much to do and I drank too much coffee, so I stare at each of you and thank God for the simple blessings of sweet, sleeping children and hushed husbands who aren’t complaining about the dishes or kicking toys to make a path to walk.

I whisper softly how much I love them, knowing they will probably never know. I watch Grey’s Anatomy on the DVR and cry over fictitional storylines when my storyline rivals TV’s best in the best of way possible.

When all my days are as spent as my energy level, I try to never forget nothing else matters more than the in and out of your breath and smiles on your face. We see a lot of smiles around here and do a lot of kissing and I hope that never changes, even though years of adolescent torture on my part that are bound to come.

I pray what we’ve found in our little piece of reality heaven stays like this forever.

Super Couple:

Kenny and Leah (by the numbers)

Looks can be deceiving. People see our pictures circa 2010, happy family 5 deep filled with smiling babies, loving parents and some may think, “Wow they have it all!’

What people fail to realize is having it all comes with a price. Before there was a Super MOM or Super Ken, we called ourselves a Super Couple. We are one of those rare couples who survive and are greatful for it. Years of tears and sacrifice are behind those smiles. We fought hard for what we have now and never gave up.

That’s how you gain Super Couple status. I heard a very old married couple say the secret to their successful marriage was they never fell out of love with each other at the same time. The key to a happy marriage is even when it hurts, even if you don’t always like each other, even if you have ever questioned if love is enough… never give up.

Here’s a run down of Kenny & Leah by the numbers:

Years together: 11
Years married: 4
Met: January 6th 2000
Couple since: February 2000
Age Leah was: 18
Age Kenny was: 27
Age difference: 9 (physically, 0 mentally haha)
First Date: Spring 2000 U of L Jazz Ensemble
Moved in together: Summer 2001
Engaged: December 2001
Married: December 30th, 2006
Number of wedding dates set before it actually happened: 5
Number of wedding dresses purchased: 2
Number of nephews born on our wedding day: 1
Number of couples therapists/marriage counselors visited over the years: 3
Number of break-ups: 1
Duration: 3-6 months
Longest time lapsed without contact: 1 long, lonely, painfully miserable month
Number of times Kenny proposed: 1
Number of times Leah proposed: 1
Number of Leah’s Engagement rings: 2 in 11 years (upgraded as of this Christmas!)
Number of Kenny’s wedding rings: 2 in less than 2 years (claims he lost it fishing… things that make you go hhmmmm)
Number of Children: 3
Number of pregnancies: 2 (in less than two years…twins!)
Number of car accidents together: 3
Number of crazy ex-girlfriends Leah punched in the club: 1
Number of cities visited on vacation: 20 (Windsor, Canada. Maumee Bay, OH. Philadelphia, PA. St. Petersburg Beach, FL. St. Augustine, FL. Miami, FL. Key West, FL. Tell City, IN. Birmingham, AL. Gulf Shores, AL. Chicago, IL. Some locations multiple times: Gatlingurg, TN. Indianapolis, IN. Columbus, GA. Memphis, TN. Honolulu, HI. Some never again: Bilouxi, MS. Playa del Carmen, Mexico. All but 2 before children: Nashville, TN. Cincinatti, OH LOL)

I promise to scan proof of all this and post old pictures of us someday. Until then, here’s happy Kenny & Leah celebrating Christmas and her first wedding ring upgrade. (He always did know how to decorate a gal, the emerald & diamond necklace I am wearing was a Christmas gift from 2006 the year we got married and gave me a beautiful charm bracelet for our Anniversary this year. Bonus points!)

And us celebrating our 4 year anniversary at Sake Blue with the hope of many more...

Merry Christmas 2010

from

The Thompson Family

I called my good friend I hadn’t talked to in a while to help me get through the daunting task of washing dishes and we ended up balling on the phone for 20 minutes over her daughter growing up! When my friend took her 12 year old daughter’s phone away, the pre-teen told her mom, “She ruins everything in her life!” And my friend spends the next two hours crying in her basement because her daughter broke her heart for the first time.

At first I was laughing at the comedy of it all. Didn’t she know girls that age are dramatic and over exaggerate everything? And she was bound to grow up someday. So when she started telling about how she must just be emotional over looking through old pictures of her baby girl with Santa and followed by being faced with reality that her kid being more of an emerging adult than an infant, it hit me.

Oh shit, that’s gonna be my baby girl before I know it, crying in the closet cause her boyfriend broke up with her and getting in fights on the bus and becoming boy crazy. I thought about how not half an hour before I had just been holding a fussy Carly in my arms in the light of the Christmas tree, half annoyed at the dish cleaning interruption, when I took a breath and inhaled her baby fresh scent and pressed my face to hers and wanted the moment burnt in time forever because I knew life was racing away with my memories. Moments like that were fleeting. I thanked God and the universe for allowing me to create something so special and I let those dishes sit there for just a while longer.

May my sweet babies always be like this in my hearts and my life....

Small Victories Part II

I’m celebrating some more ‘small victories’ as their called in our 28 Day Challenge handbook. They may sound easy or small to many, but to me, some of the things on this list of accomplishments are MONUMENTAL. I am very proud of myself and this week has been easier so far, 10 days left!!! (Still counting down to coffee and Captain Morgan’s though!)

• I bought a pair of new work out pants a size smaller than my old ones were! YES!
  
• I went to a Christmas party I had been dreading because of all the delicious food, but I abstained from eating or drinking anything! Ate salmon and veggies before I went and it was no problem at all. Even fed the girls cake without licking the fork or picking at the crumbs (haha). The build up and worry in my mind was much worse than the actual event. I was happy to spend time with my family on a beautiful, snowy afternoon. Piece of cake! My girls may have been a little traumatized from the Santa visit, but on the victory front my new sweater I just bought a month or so ago was so loose now that my boobs kinda kept falling out!

• My Mom returned from her annual cookie exchange party with a shopping bag full of sweet treats and I didn’t sample a single one. Go me!
  


• Here’s the biggie…. We didn’t have the kids for a night and had big sober plans. Dinner at Ruby Tuesday salad bar, a movie. Mother Nature had different plans and started dumping her mini-snow storm right as we dropped the kids off. It was my idea. I was feeling strong and confident after my success at the Christmas party. “Ruby Tuesday is too far away. Let’s just go to Ryan’s Buffet…” Normally a major over eating danger zone, I stuck to my diet no problem. Salad with tons of veggies and no dressing, small steak, cabbage, half a sweet potato, and fresh pineapple for dessert. It was fulfilling and my wonderful husband even hung back as I raced to make my salad to ask the waitress to not bring any rolls so I wouldn’t have to stare at them through dinner. What a man.
  
  WHAT A VICTORY!!!!

Celebrate Small Victories

Instead of focusing on how bad I want the things I cannot have or making me feel bad for eating the leftover pizza scraps off my kid’s plate or having that bite of stuffing the day after Thanksgiving, I repeat my victories in my head.

They may not look like much to the untrained eye, but believe me each was a battle fought hard and WON!

• I held an Krispy Kreme donut in my hand and fed my kids WITHOUT even licking my fingers
  
• I went to a party and didn’t drink any alcohol or eat any food I wasn’t supposed to have…. and I had FUN!
  
• I went out to eat at a restaurant and didn’t touch the delicious smelling bread with the temptress oils and cheese for dipping. I ordered a salmon salad over pasta at a past place….. and it was truly DELECIOUS.
  
• I ate a Challenge approved Holiday dinner consisting of a salad, small piece of steak, green beans, cauliflower, sweet potato and lobster...... WITHOUT and butter!
  
• I didn’t eat a brownie for dessert, even after cutting them and serving them to the kids. I ate apple slices instead.
  
• I have passed up coffee every single day when my husband has the house smelling so good.
  
• I went through a drive thru and ordered food for the entire car without ordering anything but water for myself because I had already eaten a really good turkey and avocado Ezekiel wrap for dinner.
  
• I went to Midnight Boot camp on Thanksgiving when technically it was my last night before the Challenge and I could have stuffed myself silly and drank Wild Turkey all night with the family.
  
• I went for 45 minute walks outside both in the cold dark and during snow flurries just so I didn’t feel guiltily about not getting my exercise in.
  
• I also went to the YMCA in the pouring rain late at night before they closed when I would have rather stayed tucked up in my warm bed.
  
• I got up early on a Saturday when everybody in my house was temporarily inconvenienced by my absence to attend the 7:00am Challenge meeting and 9:00am Co-Ed Boot Camp…. and I was so happy I did. It was a wonderfully inspiring meeting and kick ass workout. My day couldn’t have started out better even if I had gotten to sleep in!
  
• I found an old Kit Kat from Halloween in my couch and didn’t eat it.
  
• I am able to comfortably wear clothes that were too tight just one week ago!
  My Dad has been going strong for over a week now, even shopping for fresh food he likes and skipping sweets. My Mom is even more considerate to what we’re trying to do, planning the afore mentioned Holiday Dinner menu for us.
  
• I didn’t get any popcorn, nachos, or mixed drinks while attending a concert at the awesome YUM Center.

Day 5 and FINALLY feeling better!

My energy has kicked in. I spent the day preparing meals and I felt hopeful and more importantly full. I can do this, I am doing this. I ask myself 'Why' less and less.

What a damning word, I am learning to ask myself better questions to get better results, thanks to my newfound Tony Robbins training. His books are awesome, I am improving my thought process everyday.

How great it feels to be moving towards a positive goal that moves me closer to what I want in life versus remaining stagnant or even worse back tracking!

It’s Day 4 of the 28 Day Challenge. 1/7th of the way complete. Everyday I ask myself “Why are you doing this?”

Simple answer is I need to lose the weight back that I have gained since my back injury put me out of Boot Camp on a regular basis. I tried returning a few times and though it felt good mentally to be there with my friends and support group, physically I think the workout is still to taxing on my healing back. Not to mention the car accident a week ago that has re-aggravated my back and now neck. Sigh.

But I don’t let these things get me down. I decide to take an alternate route to reach my goals. I am 5 months away form my 30th birthday and not quite yet to my goal of being ‘the healthiest I have ever been in my life.’ Close, but not quite there. I am hoping the 28 Day Challenge will give me the boost I need to start 2011 off right and continue to work hard throughout the remainder of my 20’s.

I told my trainer Kyle I started 2010 off strong and wanted to end it with a bang and he presented me with the following 28 Day Challenge:

The Challenge
· Cut out all processed foods. Eat real food for 28 days
· Cut out all added sugar and artificial sugars
· Cut out all dairy
· Cut out all grains, even whole grains
· Cut out White Potatoes
· Cut out all protein powders, pre packed snacks, protein bars
· Be active 45 minutes per day
· Cut out all Negative thoughts and replace by Positive thoughts
· Cut out all Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol or Other Bad Habits
· Keep a daily Food Journal and Personal Journal
· NO CHEATING. 1 BITE or 1 SIP is considered cheating.

So far, no caffeine or alcohol is hardest. Plus, doesn’t knowing you “can’t” have something automatically make you “want” it even more???

The Challenge is all about breaking habits, even ones you didn’t realize you had. I knew I had become a coffee drinker over the past year or so since the girls were born. It began out of desperation to stay awake, create more energy through the endless days and nights of breastfeeding twins and simultaneously chasing around a 1 year old. Then my cappuccino habit escalated to full blown coffee addiction. Fancy iced drinks from Starbucks and McDonald’s became expensive, so I started doctoring up my own from home. Yummy they tasted good and provided the much needed caffeine.

Before I even knew it, we had a pot of coffee on pretty much 24/7. It wasn’t unusual for us to drain a pot in the evening and start a fresh one. When an unlimited supply of coffee began not doing the trick, I strayed to caffeine pills here and there. Wow, now I really am becoming more and more like my mom! Her feet don’t hit the floor before she’s popping a pill.

So far in the Challenge, I’ve realized other coffee habits. When out shopping, I always get a coffee. When it’s cold, I always stop and buy a coffee. If I am out running errands alone, I treat myself to a coffee. Interesting.

So far, the food part of it hasn’t been that bad. I did a similar diet to this at the beginning of the year when I lost 20 lbs in the first phase of Boot Camp. The most common response when people read the list of things we are eliminating is ‘So what CAN you eat?’ and there’s actually a long list of really good fresh foods, it just takes planning.

But right now, I still feel like it sucks. Not drinking sucks, though I did go to a birthday party over the weekend with another person doing the Challenge and had a really good time sober, so it is possible. But I would have much rather been drinking whiskey and coke with my husband or taking Apple Rum shots! Does that make me a bad person? An alcoholic? Guess it depends who you’re asking!

The point of this whole thing is to learn about yourself and eliminate negativity from your life. I am curious to see what else I learn in the process, as well as continue to drop the pounds. I am STILL fighting the last stubborn remnants of my baby weight, but I also have a ways to go once I reach that goal. I was within 7 lbs away just a mere few months ago before that damn back injury, but now I feel like I am fighting to lose the same weight over and over again. Story of my life.

By my birthday my husband said we’ll get me down to my ‘fighting weight’ but the sad thing is I don’t even know what that is. I have been overweight so long, yo-yoing back and forth my whole life that even when I was at my lightest weight wise, I was terribly sick from malnutrition and all the other horrible things I was putting my body through.

At least I know this time A) I can lose weight and B) The way in which I lose it is beneficial not detrimental to my body and self. A good friend always says ‘this is the only body you have.’ It feels good to treat it better, no matter what my evil ego says to contradict that.

'Guess who’s back in the motherfucking house….!'

A little Snoop Dogg to start the day never hurt anybody.

I'm happy today.

It’s the start of Phase 9 Boot Camp and I made a mini- comeback. It’s a new house we rocked this morning, breaking in the new Maximum Fitness location with our sweat and swagger. We are some Bad Ass bitches.

I never thought I would be a part of something like this. I wish people understood how hard these women work out. There's no feeling in the world that compares to the adrenaline and energy of 30+ women working together for a common goal. I'm sure there are varying reasons and desires behind each person's motivation to get up at 4 something in the morning to work out for 45 minutes before the start of a long day, but we do it and do it well.

It feels good to be back. I considered staying in bed when the alarm went off. I've been off for 3 months now nursing the bulged disk back to health. It was a rough time for me, and not just because the pain. The psychological effect of being away from my most favorite addiction took its toll. I've gained over 10lbs, but that will be gone in a week. No sweat. haha

I started last month attending a few sessions and was pleased to walk away sore, but not in pain. My back is finally better. I can do normal daily activities without being in pain, like tie my shoes, bend over to change diapers, pick up my kids again without wincing.

What a miserable existence to be in pain all day every day. I come away from this experience grateful for the body I have and vowing to take better care of it.

That started today. I am still sick, sinus bullshit that never clears completely. Pink eye that has been lingering for over a month! I was tired and worn out when I walked through the new glass doors this morning, but happy and surprised to walk out of them feeling accomplished and blessed to be there to fight another day.

Sure I still modify some of the exercises that require too much back usage. Sure people look at me crazy when I am doing a totally different exercise than everybody else at some stations, but so what. I am there.

I was back to using my anger as motivation to fight harder, keep going, don't give up.

It was back to 'Fuck cancer. Fuck my back injury.'

Lots of ‘f-bombs’ today people, so sorry if you’re all holy moly, but I find cussing effective at times. And whoever said people use cuss words because they don’t know a better ones don’t know me cause my vocab is expenentular. (ahahaha I just made that one up!)

Anyways, I’m in a happy silly mood today, so get over yourselves and join in. It’s also very effective for me to channel my anger in exercise. Last year when I began this Boot Camp journey I was cursing my uncle’s brain tumor and my son’s bone infection in his spine. Today I was damning my aunt’s breast cancer and beating my own back injury into a metaphorical submission.

If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

See you Wednesday!

I Shall Not Want

There's something sickening about seeing or listening to someone you love in pain, moaning audibly in the night. Or self destructing right before your eyes and there's nothing you can do to help. You can't make their stomach virus pass any faster or provide comfort while they're puking and pooping at the same time.

How do you stop a bomb from exploding when the flame has already been ignited?

Can we ever do enough to help the ones we love?

Like our children, we sacrifice beyond their comprehension and they still grow up and shun our love and roll they eyes and not want to cuddle and kiss anymore. Our parent think they will always know it all because, well they're our parents, but what about when we're right for once and they won't listen?

What lines are you willing to cross to save someone you love?

My Mom is moaning in the other room from a stomach virus me and my germy children more than likely passed her. My Dad is in a philosophical mood, interrupting my Facebooking to ask how far back I remember my childhood, telling me stories I've never heard from before I was born and quoting the bible.

"The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want..."

My Dad quoting the bible. It’s a weird night in the Bomar/Thompson household.

I love them so much sometimes it hurts.

Wedding Success

The hot ass bridal party ain't got nothing on these two in the cute department.....

They did it!!! My soon-to-be 3 year old escorted me and my 18 month old twins down the aisle! An ear infection (Bryce), pink eye (Carly), and a major potential wardrobe malfunction on Mom didn’t even slow our row!

I never knew there was seriously such a thing as a ‘wardrobe malfunction’. I always just thought Janet did it for the publicity, but now I know 1st hand that shit can happen! Right as we were to exit the country club doors out to the pavilion, all eyes on me….SNAP!

The clasp on the top of my halter dress popped open! My straps stayed up as I held a baby’s hand in each of mine and prayed, “Please don’t fall! Please don’t fall!” A double prayer request for the kids to keep on walking so I didn’t have to bend over and pick up one, a la disastrous rehearsal dinner and another prayer more than anything that the top of my dress would stay in place!

It did. All was well by the time we reached the altar as my husband whisked them away safely in doors, while I worked on expanding the blister on my right toe and tanning my back and shoulders in the late evening sun.

It was a beautiful wedding an awesome reception. The kids danced circles around the place. My heart was filled with pride. In a house filled with beauty, they took the cake... And then got sent home with GaGa & PaPa so the alcohol could flow freely. We backed it up on the dance floor all night, bribing the DJ for an extra set and popping another keg. The party rocked on till the country club kicked us out.


I’d call that a success. One more wedding in my ‘Summer of Love’. 4 weddings in one season are a lot right? Especially when two of them are for my best friend’s who are sisters and getting married 6 weeks apart? That’s a lot of showers, bacheloretting and wedding planning! (People must have been thinking the same thing about me and all my showers and celebrating when I got married and had three babies in the span of 2 years!!!! hahaha)

I am in my element. I am happy to not be pregnant and enjoy the happiness of the ones I love. Tripod for life! :)


Pretty, Prettier, Prettiest!

Thompson Family Portrait

Braggers Never Win

That’s what I get for ‘bragging’. Life is like a big ass karma smack down. What goes up must come crashing down and all that crap. My entire existence is based on my fear of when things are going well, the inevitable fall is looming, always looming.

Good thing I got so much done yesterday cause today was a wash and I ain’t talking dishes and laundry. Smacked upside the head with double pink eye, a cold that never went away upgraded a category in the wrong direction and about to get fired from yet another job for being a mom.

Great.

Sorry for Singletons

I don’t feel sorry for parents of singletons anymore. Carly stayed at home with me today nursing her pink eye and I was able to sweep the floors, mop, do the dishes, upload wedding pictures to Facebook, change all the bedding, complete 5 loads of laundry, and cook a roast for dinner all before the other two came home.

I’m not gloating on my time management skills or downing other parents of an only child, but I do feel a little less sorry for them sometimes. Next time you think it’s so hard and overwhelming, come stop by my house and make yourself feel better. I’m drowning in domestic despair over here on a daily basis! I know each person has their own struggle and psychological limits when it comes to kids, but damn this shit seems easy when my work load is reduced by 2/3!

Sometimes my husband and I dream about what life would be like if we only had one or even two. We barely knew life as parent’s of a singleton. By the time Bryce was 7 months old, two more were already on the way. Barely half the 1st year of his life was spent as an only child, because even though they were only in my belly, being pregnant with affected my parenting ability before they even arrived. Its kinda hilariously ironic remembering having my son’s 1st birthday party and already being 5 months preggo… with twins. What a kicker.

Leah as the BLONDE!

I'm having a cleaning out the closet fashion show, finding articles I forgot I possessed and retiring items whose memories and picture evidence are bad enough.

The 2010 VMA's are on and I'm enjoying myself. And I'm not even drinking, which is usually a requirement to get through the daunting task of laundry night. Maybe I should model myself more after the loser from Jersey Shore and get down with some GTL. I did buy my first rub on tanning gel earlier today to contrast my WHITE girl skin better with my new hair, so now I'm topless suntanning in my own bedroom sitting in front of a computer. Nice.

I first likened it to the Carmel Blondie Brownie dessert I had last weekend, but upon more examination it’s really more of a slight Strawberry Carmel Blondie Brownie. I like it.

Check it out. This is me right after coming home the first night I had it done. First things first... I had to try on my bridesmaid dres and make sure it didn't clash!!!







And wow, let me also say, what a payoff keeping up with personal grooming is! Its amazing the return you get when you invest in yourself. I spent $75 on product today, straightening gel, hairspray, conditioner, deodorant. Sorry people if I smelled sour any over the past few years. The combination of dried spit up and showerless stretches must not have been appealing to the nostrils at times.

But I’m digging my new look and glad my best friend didn’t make me sign some kind of waiver saying I wouldn’t make any drastic changes in appearance or gain any weight before the wedding cause I might just get kicked off the Bachelorette party train!

Happy Birthday...

Its a Wednesday, August 27th, 2009.

My Dad's 51st birthday, and I am pregnant with twins.

Life doesn't get more surreal than that. I am a writer and I would have never written the script of my life like this. 27 year old mother of a 9 month old and pregnant again with twins. Does life even get better than that? Its mind numbing. I am elated.

We planned to keep the new pregancy a secret for a while. Something special, something ours to smile about across the room, something intimate between husband and wife before all the questions, and gossip and judgement by family members who were bound to have an opionion on the subject of our rapidly expanding family.

All that went out the window after the news. How could we keep something like that a secret. We kept our afternoon appointment for our son's 9 month pictures and incorporated our announcement into his photo session. We had him sit on top of big blocks labeled A and B, just like the two labled embryos on the ultrasound. I had a greeting card printed to give my Dad for his birhtday with the words "Big Brother says, 'It's Twins!!' " printed across the bottom.

We planned our big reveal in increments. I replaced the pictures in the three slotted frame I used to display my son't ultrasound throughout his pregnancy with a fresh ultrasound printout of Baby A and B. I wrapped it up and handed it to my Dad. Camcorder rolling, digital camerapoised.

This was a once in a lifetime announcement.

Surprise! Happy Birthday, Dad! I'm pregnant again..... Oh and this time its TWINS!

He didn't say a word for hours, days maybe. Literally not a word. He cried. There were actual tears. I am still unsure as to what those tears meant!

I told the rest of the family via airbrush t-shirt. It's become a tradition in our family. Haha tricked ya! Bryce's said 'Big Brother to-be...' on the front and 'of twins!' on the back!

Surprise gotcha again! It's TWINS!

Acceptance.

I’m moving into the ‘Acceptance’ phase of grief and didn’t even realize I was mourning.

At first it was ‘Denial.’ I hurt my back on a Sunday night before week two of Phase 5 Boot Camp. I was still sore from Friday’s ass kicking and decided a little yoga would loosen me up for another round in the morning. I turned my DVR to Wai Lani yoga and after about 15 minutes I was there. On all fours in the living room floor, I was on vacation in Hawaii.

The ocean was roaring, the sun was coming up over the water, the mixture of Hawaiian music and the lady’s accent had me right on that beach with her. My breathing was right; my blood was flowing. Then bam! Just like that my back is out.

First stage of denial. Suck it up, you will be aright.

I still went to Boot camp Monday (not a good idea in retrospect) and barely made it through Wednesday’s workout. It was official, my back was hurt and I needed to take some time off. Weeks went by and things were not better.

July comes along and even after the help of a chiropractor I am still in pain from the moment I come into consciousness each morning until I drift away into dreamland. If I awake during the night or roll over, I am in pain. It’s like being miserable and pregnant but there’s no prize at the end.

I begin missing Boot camp so bad I get sad. I still think, “Maybe next week I can come back. Maybe next Phase, maybe next month….”

Next phase comes and goes. I am still in my bed every Mon-Wed-Fri at 5:30am.

If only I hadn’t done that stupid yoga. If only I had given my back rest right when it happened, I would be better by now. If only hadn’t been pregnant and on bed rest all those years, I would be stronger. If only I had been active earlier on my life instead of sitting on a couch reading or in front of a computer working …. If only.

Oh shit, I’m ‘Bargaining’.

So when August rolls around, I feel better than I was 6 weeks prior, but still can’t bend over to put on my shoes, get dressed, change a diaper, pick up a baby without a stabbing pain in my lower back. I decide I’m going to get back in Boot Camp and just do what I can do. I want to be there that bad.

I cried my way through the workout, not feeling strong or empowered anymore. Not marveling at the barriers I was breaking or the endurance I built. I feel weak again, less than I was, broke and beaten down. The women around me suddenly made me feel even worse about myself instead of inspiring. Boot Camp became no longer beneficial to me physically or emotionally and I was heart broken over it.

I stayed in my bed for two days and cried. I let myself get it out and admitted I was hurt and didn’t need to push myself so hard physically right now but focus harder on my eating and getting better.

I had a mini-counseling session over the phone with my trainer where I know I just sounded pitiful. He didn’t understand why I needed to be there so bad, why I depending on those 45 minutes three times a week to make me feel good about myself.

I wished someone had a magic wand and could poof my pain away, but I know life doesn’t work that way. There was only one way out of the hole I was in and that was to heal and get stronger so my body isn’t as vulnerable to injury

I didn’t realize what I was doing at the time until I finally came to grips with myself and just admitted I had an injury. Boot Camp is over for me (for now). My back needs time to heal and if I don’t give it that time, I was only going to hurt myself more in the long run. Damn it! I had been on a roll. I found something I LOVED, a rush of adrenaline like I never knew.

I don’t know where else I can feel like that and I am simply depressed over it.

Working Mother's Guilt

I have to work tomorrow.

Wow, its weird saying those words. The past year of my life spent technically ‘unemployed’ was still the hardest working year of my life. Cleaning toilets at the church on Thursdays barely counts as working. I work harder than that on a daily basis changing babies’ diapers. Other people’s shit in the toilet is nothing for me. I actually look forward to the calm of the place as I clean the quietness in the sanctuary, the solidarity and sweat.

Tomorrow ushers in a new phase. I’ve been fighting it long enough. Change of any kind is cause for resistance to a Taurus, I believe. Boot Camp is over for me and I’m going back to work. Nights at the new Kohl’s up the street designing displays and styling mannequins. Sounds like fun to me! Time away from home being productive, interaction with others over the age of 3, a little money in the bank. (Emphasis on little, I’ve never worked for such a measly amount in my life, but the discount alone will probably be worth it as much as I shop at Kohl’s.) And access to HEALTHCARE.

What more can I say? I have to work tomorrow!

I was feeling all positive and excited, kind of like back to school jitters where you are excited to see all your friends, but know work is involved. I was packing the kids lunch for Parents Out, planning what I was going to wear in my head, and next thing you know I’m on the phone to the pediatrician on call discussing whether I needed to take my son to the emergency room because his diaper rash from the water park was suddenly swelling to unseen proportions all around his groin area.

Panic over calling in on my 1st day, mind racing over how to rearrange everyone else’s work schedule to take him to the doctor in the morning, the pull to just want to stay at home with his pull-up off all day and cuddle on the couch with a pallet of towels and his 2 (almost 3) year old naked butt all day like Mommy’s are supposed to do!

Working Mother’s Guilt already!? I haven’t even started and now I’m questioning my decision. This sucks. Who needs to work to buy more things? Why can’t we all just live on the prairie and be self sustained like the good old days where family was all you had and all that mattered?

OK, so I’ve been watching too much Hallmark movies on TV. I definitely need to get out of this house. Here’s to the real world where we have to work and leave our children and be thankful and tortured by it at the same time.

Breakthroughs are painful. Usually what you are ‘breaking through’ is years of negative thought patterns, bad behaviors that are not beneficial to you anymore, crusted over scars of emotional wounds to the psyche so deep you don’t want to think about the pain, let alone face it and deal with it again. Going through it once was hard enough; forget rehashing what hurts to ‘heal.’ Stuffing the pain away seems like a much easier choice.

Once upon a time I was crying so hard outside a Bed, Bath, and Beyond begging my husband to leave me on the side of the road because I was having such a ‘breakdown’ when he said the most profound thing to me.

“Leah, this doesn’t have to be a breakdown, make it a breakthrough.”

Damn, he’s good. Why didn’t I ever think of that?

I’ve been doing some hard work lately, not of the Boot Camp variety, but soul searching. Expanding my spiritual realm, trying to figure me out. It’s hard. Harder than the physical demands of Boot Camp actually.

I’ve been out with a bulging disk on my back since the second week in June. I attempted to return against the advice of my chiropractor and that didn’t work out so well. I cried my way through the session because my back was in so much pain, because I felt weak from going to banging out full sit ups and burpies to not even being able to get up and down off the ground without wincing. IT SUCKS.

I listen to the soothing voice of Eckert Toole’s ‘New Earth’ CDs in the car when I’m alone. I read self help book from the library. I write again when I can, reflecting and rewording my experiences for the world to see on a blog. That alone is scary enough.

So how come it still hurts so much? How come I don’t feel any closer to the truth? Obviously if I am still ‘trying’ to get there, I’m not there yet. Or am I and just don’t know it???

We aren’t entitled to a life without pain or suffering. I just wish I knew how to break through the pain to reach the other side sooner.

It’s August already and I am saddened by the passage of time, days slipping away into the past as simple memories void of sensory sensations. I hold my babies and I want to remember forever what this feels like, right here, the sweetness of their forehead against my lips. How small their waist is against my hips, spooning style, cradled comfortably in the crease of my stomach that once held them inside.

The way Alyssa tucks her arms beneath her body and furrows her face in the nook of my neck. Her long ballerina legs prancing around on tip toes, her funny fast run, arms bent swinging side to side. The way she grabs and dashes away with a toy or item she knows she’s not supposed to have. How she tired to sing ‘Twinkle Twinkle’ the other night.

Big Baby Carly, at least 30lbs by now, stretching past the length of my torso when her small size used to get lost in my chest. Her sloppy kisses and open mouthed smile with such a beautiful gap between her two front teeth, an unsymmetrical row of three Chiclet teeth on the bottom. Her insistent pointing in demand of another ‘Bite!’

Bryce’s sweaty head and for being such a big boy, how he still wants to hold my hand when we walks and cries for his Mama when I’m not in sight. The hilarious stories he makes up or repeats, revising actual events filtered through a two year olds practicality and prose. His heart stabbing stutter. How he claps his hands together almost involuntarily when he gets happy and excited about something. How when he sleeps with me we fit together in perfect synch, his leg thrown over mine.

I want to freeze these simple moments in time, not let them grow any older where they might not want me anymore. Its exaughsting and at the price of me, I am the center of their world and I selfishly like it that way. They are my babies and nobody loves them the way I do. Nobody loves me the way they do.

If I could change anything about the rapid succession of their birth, it would be that I got to spend more time with each of them as an infant. I wish for a whole year or more of their infancy and transition into toddler years spent individually. What a treat that would be, to have each of them all to myself in a way that doesn’t neglect one of the other’s needs. It happens rarely, when we carve out a special trip or day for one on one time, but it doesn’t happen enough.

Sometimes I feel cheated, like my baby years went by in such a whirl of sleep deprivation and struggle to survive. Now it’s closer to being over than beginning, just when I am getting a handle on things and enjoying it. I worry that they are being cheated of me. Each one cheated of being the baby with 100% of me, which is now fragmented into so many smaller percentages that I have to steal moments back for myself. A quick stop by the library where I wonder aimlessly down aisles just admiring the quiet knowledge of the place. Lied about adventures to Kohl’s and JC Penny spending money I don’t even have. I am spent and they are rich with me and want more.

I get annoyed when their early morning cries splinter my sleep like a bullet shot into a peaceful night. I bargain with them in my head.

“Just sleep til 7:00am….. 15 more minutes.”

I get annoyed when I have to change yet ANOTHER dirty diaper. Pissed off for no good reason other than I am tired and in pain and this is my life and there’s nothing I can or want to do about it.

I love how they interact with each other, how Alyssa and Bryce both will bring Carly her Teddy if they find it on the floor or if she’s crying. How Alyssa will run to pat Carly or Bryce’s back in concern if they are crying or hurt. Their head tilt hugs and kisses to each other. Bryce explaining, ‘We were waiting for you Lyssa’ when she is the last one to awake from an afternoon nap and asking, ‘Did we wake you?’ Him telling Carly it’s Ok when she has worked herself up into a fit.

They are just so happy, so, so, so, so, so happy and I want it to stay this way, before the outside world intrudes with reality.

Check this out, the baddest video I've ever seen....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e6_yVo7q9gM



Disclaimer: It's not me actually on this video, this is from the class right after mine at 6:30am, but I SO totally would have rocked it out in the thunderstorm. I am strangely jealous because I was not there! This video inspires me so much because I know what it takes to make yourself get up so early in the morning, push yourself SO HARD to succeed.

I've fought the elements, regular rain, heat waves, and snowstorms during boot camp, but nature still ain't got nothing on my main nemesis: ME.

I always preach MaxFit makes me stronger physically and mentally, so I'm better prepared to win more battles.

See More at http://maxfitstudio.com/louisville-boot-camps